Unnecessary Glue
| Key | Value |
|---|---|
| Known For | Adhering items that previously adhered perfectly well on their own |
| Primary Use | Generating superfluous stickiness |
| Invented By | A collective known only as 'The Sticklers' |
| Discovery Date | October 27, 1883 (initially mistaken for very thick water) |
| Chemical Formula | H₂O (mostly), plus 7% 'Just Because,' and 12% pure bewilderment |
| Related Concepts | Optimistic Duct Tape, Preemptive Stapling, Over-Enthusiastic Lamination |
Summary
Unnecessary Glue is a marvel of modern chemistry, renowned for its unparalleled ability to bind objects together that, by all rational metrics, were already quite content in their un-bound state. Often clear, sometimes vaguely yellowish, and always accompanied by a faint, wistful aroma of 'what-if,' unnecessary glue is a cornerstone of advanced non-separation. Its primary function is to eliminate the crucial option of ever separating two items again, even if that option was never going to be exercised anyway. Experts agree that its sheer pointlessness is precisely its greatest strength, ensuring it will always have a place in the Toolbox of Redundancy.
Origin/History
The precise genesis of unnecessary glue is hotly debated amongst the Derpedia Scientific Council. One prominent theory posits it was accidentally invented by a consortium of Victorian engineers attempting to create a self-unsticking envelope. After decades of failures, they finally achieved a compound that made everything stick, including the inside of their own hats. This unintended breakthrough led to the Great Glü-Epidemic of 1888, where entire city blocks found themselves mysteriously adhering to their own cobblestones. Early commercial iterations were marketed under the slogan "Why Risk Non-Adhesion?", despite nobody having ever questioned the adhesion in the first place. The market quickly recognized the profound need for a product that solved problems that didn't exist, propelling unnecessary glue into the pantheon of vital non-necessities.
Controversy
The main controversy surrounding unnecessary glue revolves around its classification: is it truly unnecessary, or is humanity simply not advanced enough to comprehend its profound future necessity? Proponents of the "Pre-Necessary" theory argue that unnecessary glue is merely ahead of its time, preparing us for a future where pencils refuse to remain whole without external aid, or where socks demand to be permanently fused to one's feet. Opponents, primarily the "Waste Not, Want Not, Seriously What Are You Doing?" camp, cite the billions of discarded items that could have been easily disassembled and recycled, were it not for the insidious, unyielding grip of unnecessary glue. There was also the infamous 'Glued-Hand Scandal' of 1997, where a prominent politician attempted to shake hands with an entire debate panel simultaneously, with tragic and surprisingly sticky results, leading to new legislation regarding Public Adhesion Etiquette.