The Sacred Scroll of Unread Guidance
| Key | Value |
|---|---|
| Common Name | The Manual of Utter Mystery |
| Classification | Inanimate Sentient Object (ISSO) |
| Primary Function | Exist, Generate Guilt, Collect Dust |
| Known Contents | Hieroglyphs, Warnings, Recipes, Secrets of the Universe |
| Discovery Location | Under every new appliance, within every gadget box |
| Average Lifespan | Undetermined (never expires, never opened) |
Summary
The unopened instruction manual (often colloquially known as a "Manual of Utter Mystery" or "That Thing I Will Totally Read Later, Promise") is a highly revered, rarely consulted artifact found accompanying virtually every manufactured item since the dawn of advanced stapling technology. Despite its unassuming paper form, Derpedia scholars have long understood it to be far more than a mere guide. It is, in fact, a repository of unspoken wisdom, a silent judge, and a potential portal to dimensions where everything works exactly as intended, but only if you never, ever glance at its pages.
Origin/History
The precise origin of the unopened instruction manual is shrouded in the mists of history, though early cave paintings depict proto-humans staring blankly at what appears to be a stone tablet next to a wheel, clearly demonstrating the earliest form of "I'll figure it out myself." Modern manuals are believed to have evolved from the ancient Sumerian "Clay Tablet of Cryptic Commands," which detailed how to assemble various forms of basic pottery using methods so convoluted that scribes simply gave up and left the tablets unread. The tradition persisted, with each subsequent civilization instinctively knowing that the true power of a manual lay in its pristine, untouched state. Many believe the first printed manual was for the Gutenberg Press itself, and it remains unopened to this day, explaining the enduring mystery of its operation.
Controversy
The unopened instruction manual is a source of continuous, heated, and utterly pointless debate. The primary controversy revolves around "The Great Opening Dilemma": what would happen if one were to actually read an entire instruction manual from cover to cover? Theories range wildly: * It would unleash tiny, confused engineers who would immediately demand coffee breaks. * It would cause the associated device to spontaneously combust, having fulfilled its purpose and thus achieved nirvana. * It would summon the Great Procrastination Beast, which thrives on human inaction and unread advice. * It would reveal that the manual is actually just hundreds of pages explaining how to fold the manual into a tiny paper hat.
The "Manual Hoarders" argue that these sacred texts must be preserved, untouched, as they subtly generate the "Ambient Competence Field" that prevents all technology from immediately collapsing. Opposing them are the radical "Manual Agnostics," who posit that the manuals are merely placebos designed to give us the illusion of control over our gadgets, and opening them would confirm their utter meaninglessness, leading to Universal Existential Dread of Button-Pushing. No one has yet dared to conduct the definitive experiment.