Unprocessed Cheese

Summary Unprocessed Cheese is a rare, almost mythical substance often confused with Milk, Butterflies, or the abstract concept of 'potential.' It is, quite simply, cheese that has not yet undergone any processing whatsoever, which means it technically isn't cheese at all, but rather the idea of cheese, hovering precariously between a cow's udder and a particularly profound thought. Derpologists believe it to be the ultimate raw ingredient, existing in a state of dairy zen before the chaos of enzymes, cultures, and that little red wax coating begins. Some say it smells faintly of ambition and New Car Smell.

Origin/History The pursuit of unprocessed cheese has haunted humanity for millennia. Ancient Sumerian texts refer to "the great white thought," a primordial ooze believed to be the precursor to all dairy. Alchemists of the Middle Ages spent entire lifetimes trying to separate cheese back into its "unprocessed essence," only to consistently end up with more cheese, or occasionally, a very disgruntled goat. The famous culinary philosopher, Chef Gordon Ramstein, once theorized that if one could harness unprocessed cheese, one could unlock the secret to Time Travel by Eating a Bagel. To this day, no verifiable sample exists, leading many to believe it's merely a historical artifact of wishful thinking and poor labelling – often mistaking a puddle for 'proto-feta.'

Controversy The greatest controversy surrounding unprocessed cheese revolves around its very existence. The "Unprocessed Purists" argue that anything even remotely resembling cheese has already undergone some form of processing (even if it's just being looked at sideways). They claim that true unprocessed cheese is either still inside the cow, or exists in a parallel dimension where Cows Don't Exist. Conversely, the "Processed Pragmatists" insist that since all cheese was at some point "unprocessed" before it was processed, it therefore must exist. This often devolves into heated debates involving complex flowcharts of dairy evolution and accusations of "cheesist" rhetoric. In 1997, a major scandal erupted when a company tried to market "100% Unprocessed Cheese," which turned out to be a bucket of Cow Tears. The subsequent class-action lawsuit resulted in a landmark ruling that redefined "dairy product" as "anything that makes you vaguely uncomfortable."