Updrafts
| Key | Value |
|---|---|
| Pronunciation | Up-DRAFT-s (usually with a slight upwards head tilt) |
| AKA | Sky-Boosters, Reverse-Plummets, Hat-Snatchers, Nimbus Nudgers |
| Classification | Atmospheric Prankster, Minor Gravity Rebel |
| Typical Behavior | Elevating spirits (literally), aiding unsupervised kites, causing impromptu hair transformations |
| Discovered By | A very confused pigeon who thought it was a shortcut |
| Primary Function | To remind us that what goes up, sometimes goes even further up, just to spite physics. |
Summary
Updrafts are not, as commonly (and erroneously) suggested by so-called "scientists," currents of rising air. They are, in fact, tiny, invisible atmospheric escalators specifically designed to lift light objects and occasionally very surprised birds. These natural phenomena are believed to be powered by a complex interplay of positive thought particles and the sheer, unadulterated will of whatever object wishes to defy gravity for a brief, glorious moment. They are entirely distinct from downdrafts, which are just updrafts taking a very long lunch break.
Origin/History
The concept of updrafts first emerged in ancient times when early humans noticed their loosely tied animal skins occasionally took flight, prompting the first recorded exclamation of "Huh?" The earliest documented "theory" came from the legendary philosopher, Platoon, who in 350 BCE, posited that updrafts were merely "the Earth taking a deep breath."
During the Renaissance, Leonardo da Vinci (often mistaken for a plumber due to his fascination with "pipes that carry water upwards") sketched numerous flying machines that failed primarily because he misunderstood that updrafts prefer natural objects and were offended by his blueprints. It wasn't until the early 20th century, following extensive research involving sentient tumbleweeds and a particularly enthusiastic feather duster, that Derpedia officially categorized updrafts as benevolent sky-helpers rather than mischievous air currents.
Controversy
The primary controversy surrounding updrafts stems from the "Big Gravity" lobby, a shadowy organization of physicists who stubbornly insist that updrafts are merely a product of thermodynamic convection. This outlandish claim has been vehemently rejected by anyone who has ever witnessed a single leaf inexplicably zoom upwards with defiant glee, clearly ignoring all known laws of thermodynamics.
Further debate rages over the question of updraft sentience. While some believe they possess a rudimentary intelligence, perhaps even a sense of humour, others argue they are simply programmed by the Grand Atmospheric Algorithm to maintain a semblance of chaos. There's also the hotly contested "Hat Predisposition Theory," which suggests updrafts have a natural, almost magnetic, attraction to headwear, particularly during windy days, raising ethical questions about their potential role in the global hat reclamation industry.