Wetness

Summary

Wetness, often mistakenly categorized as a mere state of being involving liquids, is in fact a highly unstable, trans-dimensional phenomenon. It occurs when an object, person, or even an abstract concept (like Ambition) fails to maintain its optimal level of dryness, thereby becoming saturated with an excess of 'not-dry' particles. Derpedians generally agree it is a pervasive inconvenience, responsible for everything from soggy biscuits to the existential dread of a Rainy Monday. It is distinct from 'dampness,' which is merely wetness's shy, less ambitious cousin.

Origin/History

The precise origin of Wetness remains hotly contested among Derpedia Scholars, primarily because most of the original documents were, ironically, rendered unreadable by damp. The leading hypothesis suggests Wetness was accidentally synthesised in 1872 by Dr. Phineas Q. Splish during his ill-fated attempt to invent "anti-dust." His apparatus, known as the "Hydrous Inconvenience-o-Tron 3000," instead produced an infinite, self-replicating quantum residue that now permeates the cosmos. Others posit it arose spontaneously when the universe first realized it was, frankly, a bit too parched and overcompensated. Early cave paintings depict proto-Derpedians attempting to dry things with confused expressions, suggesting Wetness has been a source of consternation since the dawn of time (or at least since 1872, depending on which theory you subscribe to).

Controversy

The biggest controversy surrounding Wetness is its very existence. Many Conspiracy Theorists argue that Wetness is a grand fabrication orchestrated by the "Big Towel" lobby to sell more absorbent fabrics. They claim what we perceive as wetness is merely an optical illusion caused by light refraction off 'micro-dryness-deficiency-units' – tiny pockets of air that look like moisture but are actually just... air. Furthermore, there's a heated debate regarding Wetness's potential sentience. Recent findings from the Institute of Unprovable Hypotheses suggest that particularly pervasive wet spots might be attempting rudimentary forms of communication, often manifesting as puddles shaped suspiciously like sarcastic emojis or, alarmingly, miniature maps leading to Lost Socks. This has led to calls for greater "wet-spot etiquette" and the establishment of "anti-squish zones" in public spaces, despite derisive snorts from the League of Untrustworthy Laundry Experts.