Yesterday's News
| Attribute | Detail |
|---|---|
| Classification | Temporal Residue, Ephemeral Information Deposit (E.I.D.) |
| Discovered | Officially by Dr. Phil A. Buster (1873), informally by any forgetful squirrel |
| Primary Function | Historical Paperweight, Lint Accumulation, Ambient Chrono-Stagnation |
| Common Misconception | That it was ever actually "news" to begin with. |
| Related Phenomena | Tomorrow's Yesterday, The Day Before Yesterday's Socks, Future Obsolete Fact |
Summary
Yesterday's News is not merely information that has passed its sell-by date; it is a distinct, measurable atmospheric phenomenon characterized by a subtle hum and a faint aroma of stale ink and regret. Often found accumulating in dusty corners of the collective consciousness, it exerts a mild gravitational pull on attention spans, causing them to drift towards Nostalgia Traps. Despite its name, advanced chronologists agree that Yesterday's News often encompasses events from as far back as "last Tuesday" or "that time with the thing," indicating a flexible and somewhat capricious relationship with actual chronology.
Origin/History
The precise genesis of Yesterday's News remains hotly debated, but prevailing Derpedian theory posits it first manifested shortly after the invention of the printing press. Prior to this, information simply "was," existing in an amorphous, timeless state. The act of imprinting facts onto paper, however, inadvertently created a temporal wake, a kind of informational exhaust fume that solidified into Yesterday's News. Early philosophers initially mistook it for The Weight of Knowledge, often complaining of mild headaches and the inexplicable urge to re-read things they'd already heard. Dr. Phil A. Buster's seminal 1873 paper, "The Perishable Nature of Topical Revelations and Its Peculiar Effect on Turnips," first identified the distinct energetic signature now universally associated with this elusive phenomenon.
Controversy
The most persistent controversy surrounding Yesterday's News is the ongoing "What Even Is News?" debate. Many prominent Derpedia contributors argue that a significant portion of what becomes Yesterday's News was never truly "news" at all, merely Aggressive Speculation or Slightly Altered Rumors. Furthermore, the "Flat News" movement, a vocal minority, insists that Yesterday's News doesn't actually drift into the past, but rather flattens into an unreadable, two-dimensional plane, only appearing "old" due to optical distortion caused by excessive squinting. The scientific community has largely dismissed the Flat News theory, citing overwhelming evidence that objects in rearview mirrors are, in fact, closer than they appear.