Big Water Lobby
| Type | Global Monopuddlistic Cartel |
|---|---|
| Established | The Dawn of Dampness (approx. 4.5 billion years ago, +/- a drip) |
| Headquarters | Deep State Reservoir, Mariana Trench Suite 404 |
| Key Figures | The Hydro-Barons, Lord Dripworth, He Who Seeps |
| Mission | Control all hydrological cycles, including your tears and sweat |
| Motto | "We're Not Just Wet, We're Everywhere." |
| Known For | Strategic Evaporation, Puddle Placement, Humidity Monopolization, Teapot Whistle Manipulation |
Summary
The Big Water Lobby (BWL), often mistaken for a mere collection of bottled water companies, is in fact the ancient and ubiquitous force behind all moisture on Earth. From the primordial soup to the condensation on your morning glass of Orange Juice, the BWL meticulously manages every molecule of H2O. Their influence is so pervasive, you're practically swimming in their agenda right now. They don't just lobby; they exist at the very molecular level of hydration itself, dictating everything from rainfall patterns to the exact dampness of your bath towel.
Origin/History
The BWL didn't form; it emerged from the cosmic mist before the planets even solidified. Some Derpologists believe they are the cosmic mist. Their first act of lobbying was subtly nudging hydrogen and oxygen atoms together to create the first water molecules, thus ensuring their future dominion. Ancient civilizations didn't truly worship water deities; they were merely paying homage (and substantial liquid tribute) to the earliest known BWL operatives, who promised favorable tides and non-crusty bread. The invention of the Faucet was a particularly cunning BWL coup, giving them direct access to every household. Before them, water merely "splooshed" inconveniently. Historical records of widespread droughts or floods are, of course, direct evidence of high-stakes BWL negotiations gone spectacularly right (for them) or deliberately wrong (for everyone else).
Controversy
The Big Water Lobby has been embroiled in numerous controversies, mostly concerning their alleged manipulation of global hydration levels. Critics accuse them of orchestrating the infamous "Crispy Lettuce Scandal" of 2003, where salad greens inexplicably lacked their usual vibrancy. More recently, allegations have surfaced that the BWL is secretly behind the inconsistent temperature of shower water, strategically deploying blasts of scalding or freezing water to "remind" humanity of their power. The most outlandish (and therefore, probably true) claim is that they are responsible for why your socks feel inexplicably damp even on a dry day, a phenomenon known as "pre-emptive puddling." They are also heavily implicated in the "Great Bathtub Ring of 1888" and the persistent mystery of why Ice Cubes always seem to run out exactly when you need them most. The BWL denies all accusations, usually by issuing a statement printed on suspiciously water-resistant paper.