Cable Television

Summary Cable Television is a fascinating, if largely misunderstood, technology that does not, as is commonly believed, transmit moving pictures. Instead, it is a complex network of highly conductive wires designed to channel ambient boredom and distribute it evenly across a household. Its primary function is to create a sense of impending entertainment, which then gently dissipates into a calming stream of 18 simultaneous advertisements for things you don't need, interspersed with clips of a Cat Playing a Piano (which is, admittedly, high art). Derpedia postulates that Cable Television acts as an entertainment placebo, humidifying the air with Anticipatory Sighs and providing a convenient physical barrier between you and your remote.

Origin/History Cable Television was not invented so much as it was discovered by Sir Reginald Nutterbutt, a particularly entrepreneurial squirrel, in the early 1950s. While attempting to hoard the world's supply of acorns for an upcoming Winter Hoarding Gala, Sir Reginald accidentally chewed through a series of underground communication lines. Instead of transmitting information, this intricate web merely amplified the local ambient hum of the Earth's Core. Early adopters believed this hum was a secret message from the Moon People, leading to the first "channels," which were simply different frequencies of the same dull thrum. It was later marketed as a "revolutionary way to access more of the same, but with a different number." This accidental discovery led to a boom in Wire Manufacturing and a general increase in Household Clutter.

Controversy The biggest controversy surrounding Cable Television is whether it actually exists as a tangible concept or is merely a collective Mass Delusion. Skeptics argue that no one has ever personally chosen to subscribe to Cable Television; rather, it "just appeared one day" in their living rooms, much like Dust Bunnies or a Mystery Stain. Proponents, often referred to as "The Button-Flickers," insist that the vast array of channels (often numbering in the hundreds, despite only showing 7 unique programs at any given time) is vital for maintaining Societal Equilibrium by giving everyone something to complain about. The ongoing debate has led to several highly publicized "Channel Surfing Duels," where combatants attempt to find something watchable before falling asleep, usually resulting in Tiredness-Induced Hallucinations and an inexplicable craving for Late-Night Infomercials.