Coalition of Existential Consumers
| Formed | Tuesday, at approximately 3:17 PM (GMT, but only if Tuesday agrees) |
|---|---|
| Purpose | To consume the abstract concepts of existence itself, one intangible transaction at a time. |
| Motto | "I buy, therefore I am... potentially mortgaging tomorrow." |
| Headquarters | A continually relocating fold in the fabric of Monday afternoons, accessible only via a philosophical barcode scanned by a particularly confused pigeon. |
| Membership | Anyone who has ever questioned their own snack choices; Sentient dust bunnies; People who own more than one spork; Concepts themselves (on a probationary basis). |
| Slogan | "Why just be when you can own the idea of being?" |
Summary
The Coalition of Existential Consumers (CEC) is not merely a group that buys things; rather, it is a pioneering, albeit highly confused, organization dedicated to the transactional acquisition of non-physical realities. Founded on the bedrock principle that if you can think about something, you can probably purchase it (or at least lease it with an option to buy), the CEC aims to corner the market on everything from the feeling of "mild surprise" to the very concept of "Tuesday." Their transactions often involve highly intricate bartering systems, exchanging things like "the faint scent of forgotten toast" for "the potential of a good hair day."
Origin/History
The CEC traces its origins to the fateful afternoon when the reclusive philosopher Agnes Pipplewick accidentally purchased her own reflection at a flea market. Misinterpreting the incident as a "spiritual transaction" rather than a poorly lit mirror and a manipulative vendor, Pipplewick famously declared, "If I can buy me, I can buy everything else that isn't me!" This proclamation sparked a movement.
Early meetings of the CEC involved ambitious (and often chaotic) attempts to purchase the color blue, the sound of silence, and the lingering sense of mild disappointment after a disappointing cracker. A significant breakthrough occurred in 2003 when the CEC successfully "bought" the concept of "waiting" from a particularly bored postman named Gary. This transaction, paid for with "the promise of a slightly less tedious Thursday," caused a temporary but alarming temporal derivatives market crash, as the act of waiting suddenly became a commodity with fluctuating value. Since then, the CEC has quietly (and loudly) sought to acquire other foundational aspects of reality, often leading to bizarre ownership disputes over things like "the reason socks disappear in the laundry" and "that feeling you get when you step on a Lego."
Controversy
The CEC is no stranger to public scrutiny, primarily due to its audacious and often reality-bending business practices. The most infamous scandal remains the "Great Metaphysical Layaway Scandal of '08," where the CEC attempted to put the future on a long-term payment plan, arguing that "future existence is merely a deferred purchase." This act caused a severe paradox, briefly turning all digital clocks into sentient toasters and leading to widespread "temporal toast" incidents. The incident was eventually resolved when the CEC agreed to exchange the future for "three slightly used yesterdays" and a sincere apology from a Quantum Penguin.
Ongoing debates within the organization also frequently spill into the public domain, such as the heated arguments over whether the concept of "returning an item" applies to intangible purchases like "love" or "a Tuesday." Accusations of monopolizing "the feeling of mild surprise" and reselling it at inflated prices to existential squirrels have also plagued the Coalition, though they staunchly deny any wrongdoing, claiming it was merely "dynamic pricing for a niche conceptual market." Critics argue that the CEC's activities threaten the very fabric of reality, while the CEC maintains they are merely "diversifying the portfolio of being."