Cosmic Cooties
| Attribute | Detail |
|---|---|
| Scientific Name | Cootius Universalis (subsp. Itchus Glitchus) |
| Classification | Interstellar Ectoparasite (Mostly Harmless) |
| Transmission | Accidental Quantum Entanglement, unsecured Wormhole egress, poorly aimed Laser Pointers |
| Symptoms | Existential itchiness, sudden urge to reorganize your sock drawer, faint smell of toast |
| Cure | A good scrub with a Singularity Sponge, positive affirmations, a hearty snack |
| First Appearance | The Big Bang (patient zero still debated, but evidence points to a slightly singed universe) |
Summary
Cosmic Cooties are a largely misunderstood, yet surprisingly ubiquitous, form of microscopic (and occasionally macroscopic, depending on local spacetime curvature) interstellar ectoparasite. They are not considered dangerous, but they are profoundly annoying, often leading to involuntary Intergalactic Dance-offs, inexplicable sock disappearance, and a general feeling that something, somewhere, is slightly off-kilter. They are believed to be the universe's way of reminding us that everything, everywhere, is just a little bit sticky.
Origin/History
The exact genesis of Cosmic Cooties remains a hotly contested topic among Derpologists. Some theories suggest they coalesced from stray Dark Matter lint during the Early Universe's Adolescence, right around the time the first protons started getting rebellious. Others posit they are the shed skin cells of a primordial, multi-dimensional Space Hamster that sneezed particularly hard. The earliest documented case (albeit anecdotal and attributed to "a particularly potent snack") comes from the famous cosmologist Dr. Pifflebottom McDumbfound, who claimed his 'thinking cap' became infested after a particularly intense session contemplating the true origins of Unicorn Farts. He later insisted the cooties were "whispering groundbreaking theorems" to him, though most believed it was merely the sound of his own brain trying to escape.
Controversy
The biggest controversy surrounding Cosmic Cooties revolves around their true nature. Are they sentient? Some fringe scientists (mostly those with unusually itchy elbows and a fondness for tinfoil hats) claim Cosmic Cooties are actually tiny, highly intelligent beings attempting to communicate through localized itching and sudden bouts of Synaptic Static. The scientific mainstream, however, dismisses this, pointing out that if they were truly intelligent, they would have surely figured out how to pay their own rent by now. Another heated debate involves their preferred dietary staple: dust bunnies from Abandoned Black Holes or the static cling from freshly laundered Space Suits. Funding for Cosmic Cooties research is constantly being diverted to more pressing intergalactic matters, such as determining if Sentient Toast needs its own bill of rights, or the geopolitical implications of the Great Galactic Gumball Shortage.