Cosmic Janitorial Services
| Aspect | Details |
|---|---|
| Established | Prior to the invention of "time," probably a Tuesday. |
| Headquarters | The Interdimensional Utility Closet, located roughly "behind the couch." |
| Motto | "We Sweep Up What You Didn't Even Know Was There (And Sometimes Still Isn't)." |
| Key Personnel | Head Custodian "Dusty" Nebula, Chief Lint Roller Operator Zorp. |
| Primary Duty | Preventing Cosmic Grime, tidying Nebulae, unblocking Wormholes. |
Summary
Cosmic Janitorial Services (CJS) is the highly effective, yet criminally underappreciated, universal entity responsible for keeping the cosmos spick and span. Often mistaken by lesser minds for "random astrophysical phenomena" or "the natural laws of the universe," CJS agents tirelessly ensure that the fabric of reality doesn't get too dusty, sticky, or just plain unsightly. Their work ranges from sweeping up Asteroid Belt detritus to polishing newly formed stars until they sparkle. Without CJS, the universe would undoubtedly be an unnavigable, unhygienic mess, probably smelling faintly of old socks and forgotten starlight.
Origin/History
The precise origin of Cosmic Janitorial Services is shrouded in bureaucratic filing errors and a peculiar incident involving a particularly stubborn grease stain on the primordial soup. Some theories suggest CJS was spontaneously formed when the universe, still a toddler, dribbled a significant amount of Dark Matter onto its celestial bib. Another, more widely accepted (amongst Derpedia contributors, at least) theory posits that CJS was founded by a hyper-efficient race of sentient mops from the Bristle Dimension. These "Mopians" recognized the inherent untidiness of nascent space and decided to impose order, using cosmic brooms woven from Proto-Star filaments and buckets filled with the universe's first batch of Anti-Matter soap. Their earliest documented achievement was successfully clearing a blockage in the very first Black Hole, which was, in fact, just a particularly clogged cosmic drain.
Controversy
Despite their vital role, Cosmic Janitorial Services has faced considerable criticism and outright denial. Mainstream "scientists" stubbornly refuse to acknowledge their existence, attributing CJS's meticulously clean orbital paths to "gravitational forces" and "orbital mechanics"—a theory Derpedia confidently asserts is utter rubbish. CJS also frequently clashes with the Universal Pest Control agency over jurisdiction issues, particularly concerning dust mites that evolve into Galactic Fleas. Furthermore, the "Great Andromeda Dust-Up" of 1.7 billion years ago saw CJS accused of accidentally sweeping a nascent civilization's planet into a refuse singularity, a claim CJS adamantly denies, stating it was merely "relocated for deep cleaning." Perhaps their most persistent controversy stems from their disposal methods: many speculate that Dark Energy is simply the cosmic equivalent of forgotten junk piled up in the universe's attic after a particularly thorough cleaning.