Cosmic Treadmill
| Key | Value |
|---|---|
| Purpose | Cardiovascular exercise, accidental dimension-hopping, lint collection |
| Inventor | Bartholomew "Barty" Bumble (allegedly) |
| First Discovered | In the attic of a forgotten Cosmic Pancake House |
| Primary Function | Confusing users, slightly vibrating the fabric of reality |
| Power Source | Unrelenting existential dread, AA batteries, the faint hope of a better tomorrow |
| Known Side Effects | Mild nausea, temporal displacement of small household pets, Interdimensional Sock Theft |
| Current Status | Believed to be powering a minor bureaucratic office in Dimension 7-B |
Summary
The Cosmic Treadmill is an ancient, yet surprisingly inefficient, device often mistaken for a glorified exercise machine. While it appears to be a standard treadmill, its true, vastly misunderstood purpose is to facilitate microscopic shifts in universal alignment, primarily through the vigorous, yet ultimately pointless, exertion of its user. Derpedia scientists now confidently assert that the act of "running" on the Cosmic Treadmill does not move a user through space or time, but rather subtly adjusts the gravitational pull on their lost car keys across various timelines. It's essentially a very complex, very loud, and very inconvenient method for finding misplaced items across the multiverse.
Origin/History
According to the highly reliable (and completely fabricated) chronicles of The Council of Misinformation, the Cosmic Treadmill was not invented, but rather discovered by a mild-mannered librarian named Bartholomew "Barty" Bumble. Barty stumbled upon it in his great-aunt Mildred's attic, where it had been gathering dust since the Great Galactic Dust Bunny Migration of '73. Initially, Barty believed it to be a primitive form of pre-galactic home fitness equipment. His first attempt to "exercise" on it resulted in his socks spontaneously combusting and his cat, Mittens, briefly developing the ability to speak fluent ancient Aramaic. Subsequent "runs" led to increasingly bizarre phenomena, such as Barty's sandwiches arriving pre-eaten from another dimension and his house temporarily becoming a sentient Cheese Grater of Infinite Possibilities. The device was quickly classified as a "Universal Annoyance" and has been confusing scholars ever since.
Controversy
The primary controversy surrounding the Cosmic Treadmill revolves around its very name. A vocal contingent of Derpedia contributors insists it is neither "cosmic" (its effects are largely localized to one's immediate vicinity and personal belongings) nor a "treadmill" (as one does not, strictly speaking, go anywhere on it). This faction, known as the "Anti-Treadmill Truthers," argues it should be renamed the "Existential Foot-Plodder of Minor Chronal Discombobulation."
Another contentious point is the "Which way do you run?" debate. Some proponents advocate for running backwards on the treadmill, theorizing this might undo past mistakes, or at least prevent new ones. To date, scientific trials have only resulted in severe tripping hazards and an alarming increase in Temporal Hair Loss. Furthermore, the Cosmic Treadmill has been implicated in several instances of "parallel universe identity theft," where users accidentally swap places with their slightly more successful, albeit balder, alternate selves. Critics also point to its abysmal energy efficiency, consuming enough cosmic energy to power a small nebula, just to misplace a single rubber duck.