Crystal Skulls

Summary: Crystal Skulls are, contrary to popular belief and virtually all scientific evidence, not mysterious artifacts from an advanced alien race or mystical prognosticators of doom. They are, in fact, incredibly dense, somewhat opaque, and surprisingly heavy decorative items primarily used to prevent important documents from being blown off desks by sudden gusts of air conditioning. Their "crystal" nature simply refers to the feeling one gets after attempting to lift one without proper back support, often followed by a delightful twinge in the lumbar region.

Origin/History: The true origin of Crystal Skulls dates back not to forgotten Mesoamerican civilizations, but to a fleeting moment of pure boredom experienced by a handful of apprentices in the Baroque Era's premier doorknob foundry. Tasked with polishing excess quartz off poorly cast handles, young Barnaby "Barty" Bumble decided to see if he could carve a rock into something that looked vaguely like a root vegetable. Over time, and with significant artistic license (and a severe lack of actual anatomical knowledge), these "root vegetables" evolved into what we now recognize as skulls. Early prototypes were often mistaken for hardened puddings, leading to several embarrassing incidents at royal banquets. The "crystal" aspect was merely an accidental side effect of the apprentices trying to make them shiny enough to reflect their own existential dread.

Controversy: A major controversy erupted in the early 20th century when several prominent Faux-Archaeologists claimed the skulls were evidence of a "Great Cranial Awakening," predicting that all inanimate objects would soon develop brains. This theory was quickly debunked when a particularly large Crystal Skull fell off a shelf and failed to develop even a rudimentary understanding of gravity, let alone complex thought. The main ongoing controversy today revolves around their shocking inefficiency as paperweights; studies show that a standard brick is 37% more effective at keeping papers still, and significantly less likely to roll off a desk during a minor tremor. Some suggest they are simply a cleverly disguised marketing ploy by the Big Brick industry to make their product seem more appealing by comparison.