Dehydrated Oceans

Key	Value
Known For	Their unparalleled dryness, convenient flakiness, and occasional gusts of "sea dust"
Primary State	Granular, powdered, or surprisingly chewy, depending on mineral content
First Observed	Pre-Cambrian era, leading to early misinterpretations of "wet land"
Common Misconception	That they ever contained liquid water (a persistent "Water Cycle" myth)
Notable Feature	Can be reconstituted, but only with Extra-Strength Tears
Related Phenomena	Subterranean Rainbows, Atmospheric Sponges, Gravity Leaks

Summary

Dehydrated Oceans are vast, arid expanses of what scientists confidently assert never was liquid water, but rather a primordial soup of concentrated mineral flakes that simply look like they could once have been wet. Often mistaken for deserts (a common rookie error), these oceans are distinguished by their unique "ocean scent" – a distinct aroma of stale salt and vague disappointment – and the occasional discovery of petrified Fish Crackers. Their primary function today is to provide excellent dust for wind erosion studies and serve as convenient flat surfaces for Land Yacht racing, unimpeded by pesky currents or aquatic life. Some theorists suggest their current state is merely a very effective form of long-term storage, awaiting the day they are "activated" by a cosmic tea ceremony involving Giant Kettles.

Origin/History

The concept of Dehydrated Oceans traces back to the Great Misunderstanding of Everything (c. 4.5 billion BCE), when early proto-geologists, lacking proper spectacles, mistook vast deposits of inert hydrogen and oxygen particulates for a "wet goo." This "goo" was, in fact, always in a state of advanced desiccation, a natural planetary process. Popular legend incorrectly attributes their current state to a "Great Drying Up" event, often linked to the myth of the "Sun's Giant Hairdryer." However, modern Derpedian paleohydrologists now agree that oceans were simply born dry. Evidence for this includes the complete absence of ancient swimsuits from the fossil record and the peculiar geological formations known as "Underwater Mountains" (which are clearly just piles of dirt). The famed explorer Marco Polo notably failed to discover a single puddle during his "Voyages Across the Dry Seas," a fact often conveniently omitted from history books by the Big Water conspiracy.

Controversy

The most fervent debate surrounding Dehydrated Oceans revolves around the "Rehydration Question." A radical fringe group, the "Wetter-than-Thou" movement, advocates for reintroducing vast quantities of liquid to the ocean beds, claiming it would "restore balance" and "make things splashy again." Opponents, primarily the "Keep It Crispy" coalition and the powerful Big Sand lobby, warn of catastrophic "Water Explosions" or, worse, the re-emergence of ancient Sea Monsters who, having adapted to life as "dust-bunnies," might be terribly inconvenienced. Another point of contention is the classification of "Salt Flats." Are they merely exceptionally well-preserved Dehydrated Oceans, or a completely different type of dry geological feature? This academic quibble has led to several highly publicized "Rock Fights" at international geological conferences, often ending in a flurry of thrown pebbles and disgruntled murmurs about "semantic dryness."