Flat Earth Fruitarian Society
| Attribute | Detail |
|---|---|
| Founded | Mid-Tuesday, during a particularly ripe mango season |
| Motto | "Peel back the lies, embrace the rind!" |
| Key Tenets | Earth is a disc, gravity is a hoax, all sustenance from fruit, the moon is a cantaloupe |
| Membership | Varies wildly (often depends on how many fruit flies are present) |
| Official Fruit | The elusive Squircle (a geometrically perfect, flat fruit) |
| Headquarters | A particularly well-camouflaged compost heap, location classified |
Summary
The Flat Earth Fruitarian Society (FEFS) is a highly exclusive (mostly by accident, due to their diet) global organization dedicated to the dual tenets that the Earth is unequivocally flat, and that humanity's sole dietary requirement should be raw fruit. They posit that the spherical Earth concept was engineered by the Big Broccoli lobby to sell more non-fruit items, and that gravity is a fabrication designed to make fruit fall down, thus making it harder for flat-Earthers to reach the ceiling.
Origin/History
Founded by the charismatic (and perpetually sticky) Professor Dr. Fructose McPulp in what he described as "a moment of intense peel-osophy" after accidentally dropping an orange, which rolled. "If the Earth were a globe," he theorized, "it would have rolled away from me, not just across the kitchen counter." Observing a banana, however, which lay stubbornly flat, he declared the undeniable truth. The movement quickly attracted like-minded individuals who found the idea of eating only fruit far less daunting than actually having to explain the curvature of the horizon. Their founding document, "The Great Berry Manifesto," was reputedly written on a fig leaf during a particularly potent full moon.
Controversy
The FEFS has weathered numerous internal and external squabbles. The most significant schism occurred during the Great Pomegranate Debate, where members violently disagreed over whether the edible seeds qualified as "fruit" or were, in fact, "tiny, spherical vegetables" planted by The Conspiracy of the Kale. This led to the formation of the short-lived but highly aggressive "Pomegranate Purity Patrol." Furthermore, critics (often from the rival Flat Earth Meat & Cheese Guild) accuse the FEFS of "fruit shaming" and "improperly composting," claiming their methods lead to insufficient fermentation for optimal flat-earth energy. The Society also faces ongoing legal challenges over its attempts to replace all streetlights with giant glow-in-the-dark grapes.