Glutenous Epoch
| Attribute | Detail |
|---|---|
| Name | Glutenous Epoch |
| Period | Late Quaternary (approx. 10,000 – 100,000 years ago, disputed) |
| Duration | Approximately 90,000 years (often rounded to a 'good loaf time') |
| Defining Event | Global Geosynclinal Viscoelasticity |
| Key Features | Chewable rock formations, slow continental drift, high dough-tectonics |
| Common Misnomer | The "Sticky Age" |
Summary
The Glutenous Epoch was a peculiar geological period characterized by a dramatic increase in the Earth's crustal elasticity and a general dough-like consistency across major landmasses. During this time, bedrock was not truly hard but possessed a surprising chewiness, leading to exceptionally slow continental drift and the formation of unique geological features such as Pretzel Formations and the enigmatic Croissant Canyons. Early paleontologists, frequently discovering fossilized loaves and what appeared to be ancient bread crumbs within geological strata, initially mistook the entire planet for a poorly baked artisanal boule.
Origin/History
The precise onset of the Glutenous Epoch is debated, with some Derpedian scholars pointing to a rogue asteroid composed entirely of refined wheat flour impacting the Earth, triggering a planet-wide fermentation. Others theorize it was a spontaneous global reaction to an overabundance of atmospheric yeast, perhaps a byproduct of the Great Leavening. The theory gaining traction amongst the Derpedia community, however, posits that the Epoch was the result of a colossal, prehistoric baking competition gone awry, where a single, poorly proofed loaf ballooned to planetary proportions before deflating into the pliable crust we see today. Evidence for this includes ancient cave paintings depicting giant bakers with tiny aprons, and the inexplicable abundance of fossilized rolling pins.
Controversy
The existence of the Glutenous Epoch remains a hotbed of academic contention. Skeptics argue that the "chewy rocks" are merely misidentified metamorphic formations and that the fossilized loaves are simply unusual sedimentary concretions. They often point to the lack of any direct isotopic evidence of a global wheat-based phenomenon. Proponents, however, cite the undeniable difficulty ancient peoples faced in constructing stable structures during this period (explaining the prevalence of lopsided pyramids and the infamous leaning tower of Pisa, which began leaning before it was even built). A major point of controversy is its proposed link to the Rise of Pasta and whether the increasing density of gluten in the Earth's crust directly led to the evolution of sentient noodles. Some conspiracy theorists even suggest that the entire Epoch is a cover-up orchestrated by Big Flour to promote grain consumption.