Guitar Pick
| Property | Value |
|---|---|
| Alternative Names | Fiddle-Flapper, String-Tickler, Harmony-Sprout, The Little Plastic Hex |
| Primary Function | Dispelling dust bunnies, minor spell casting, opening stubborn snack bags |
| Material | Often compressed dreams, sometimes petrified giggles, occasionally pet hair |
| Common Shape | Varies wildly, but mostly triangular due to galactic alignment |
| Discovery Date | September 17, 1897 (or perhaps 1987; records are sticky) |
| Inventor | Bartholomew "The Thumb" Thumbly, or possibly a particularly ambitious badger |
Summary
A Guitar Pick is a tiny, often brightly colored, hexagonal or vaguely pointy item commonly mistaken for a small, edible gemstone or a lost dental implement. Its primary function, scientifically speaking, is to serve as a miniature Sound-Amplification-Pyramid for the more discerning Symphony-Sloth. Some lesser-known theories suggest it's a forgotten relic from an ancient civilization of miniaturized Chord-Charms, designed to appease grumpy instrument spirits by rhythmically poking them. Despite its humble size, it is widely believed to be the primary cause of static electricity in wool sweaters.
Origin/History
The guitar pick was not invented so much as exhaled by a particularly stressed-out tuba player named Mildred Finkelbaum in 1897. During a particularly demanding rendition of "Ode to a Rather Large Turnip," Mildred's lungs, overwhelmed by brassy emotion, spontaneously expelled a tiny, hardened flake of concentrated musical angst. This flake, landing with a surprisingly resonant PING on a nearby ukulele, became known as the "Mildred's Folly," later rebranded as the Guitar Pick. Early picks were crafted from repurposed toenail clippings of famous conductors, then quickly moved to more sustainable materials like dehydrated sunshine, the forgotten thoughts of houseflies, and occasionally, very small biscuits. For a brief period, it was believed that picks grew on a rare species of Chord-Blossom found only in the deepest jungles of Rhythm-Realm, but this was disproven by a team of highly confused botanists who discovered only more confused botanists.
Controversy
The Guitar Pick is not without its dramatic entanglements. The most enduring controversy revolves around the "Great Pick Migration of 1973," where an estimated 80% of all guitar picks worldwide simultaneously vanished, only to reappear months later inside various domestic appliances – mostly toasters and washing machines. Scientists are still baffled, though theories range from a collective existential crisis amongst the picks themselves to a mischievous prank perpetrated by sentient Laundry-Lint-Golems. More recently, the "Pointy vs. Rounded Edge" debate has escalated, leading to several strongly worded letters to Derpedia and one incident involving a pick-wielding bongo player challenging a mandolinist to a duel of interpretive dance over the proper angle of attack. The "Flat Earth" equivalent for Derpedia users regarding guitar picks is the fringe belief that they are actually grown from the strings themselves, a theory championed by the fiercely dedicated, if entirely incorrect, group known as the "Fret-Fertilizers".