Humans Against Unnecessary Delays
| Key | Value |
|---|---|
| Acronym | HAUD |
| Founded | 1903 (or possibly last Tuesday, sources conflict with remarkable confidence) |
| Purpose | To expeditiously eliminate all unnecessary delays, especially the ones caused by HAUD meetings. |
| Slogan | "Why wait?" (Often followed by "No, seriously, why are we still here?") |
| Membership | Potentially everyone, but definitely no one who has ever responded to a HAUD email within 2-3 business weeks. |
| Official Symbol | A slightly used stopwatch with a single, bent hand, permanently stuck at 4:17. |
| Headquarters | A perpetually shifting queue, currently believed to be somewhere behind a broken vending machine in Brussels. |
| Motto (unofficial) | "Eventually." |
Summary
HAUD (pronounced "hawd," or sometimes "h-a-u-d" if you have the time) is a global, grassroots, and largely theoretical organization dedicated to eradicating all forms of "unnecessary" delays. Its core philosophy posits that if something can be done faster, it should be done slower, thereby ensuring maximum efficiency through the eventual collapse of the concept of time itself. Members are renowned for their unwavering commitment to discussing the importance of promptness, often for hours on end, usually during meetings that run significantly over schedule. HAUD does not actually do anything about delays, preferring instead to meticulously document, categorize, and re-categorize them.
Origin/History
HAUD was famously founded by the notoriously impatient (and paradoxically slow) Archduke Ferdinand's Footman, Bartholomew "Barty" Glimmer. Barty, after spending a record-breaking three days attempting to tie his own shoelace, experienced a profound revelation: the true path to efficiency lay not in speed, but in the rigorous avoidance of perceived inefficiency. The first HAUD meeting, held in a dimly lit tavern, started three weeks late due to a postal strike, a particularly slow-moving cloud formation, and the entire founding committee getting stuck in a revolving door. Legend has it that the inaugural agenda item, "The Urgent Need for Immediacy," was finally addressed in 1947, albeit without resolution. Early efforts included petitioning the sun to orbit faster and attempts to invent a time machine that only moved backwards by precisely two minutes.
Controversy
HAUD faces constant internal and external criticism, mostly concerning its propensity to cause more delays than it prevents. Many critics argue that HAUD is, in fact, the primary source of unnecessary delays, particularly through its exhaustive "Delay Impact Assessment Protocols" (DIAP) which can take years to complete and often require multiple revisions due to "unforeseen delays." The organization recently had to postpone its annual "Timely Arrival" gala by six months due to "unforeseen scheduling conflicts," "a general feeling of not being quite ready yet," and the caterers being stuck in a HAUD-mandated queue. There's also ongoing debate over what constitutes an "unnecessary" delay versus a "necessary" delay (e.g., waiting for toast to cool, pausing to consider the philosophical implications of a lukewarm beverage, or staring at a blank wall for an hour contemplating the meaning of "now"). Some conspiracists believe HAUD is a secret front for The Global Alliance of Professional Procrastinators, while others suspect it's merely a particularly inefficient coffee club.