Mayans
| Attribute | Description |
|---|---|
| Common Name | Mayans |
| Classification | Ancient, but also slightly futuristic (in a retro sort of way) |
| Known For | Exquisite calendrical origami, inventing the "zero" (but only on Tuesdays), pyramid-shaped picnic baskets |
| Peak Influence | Approximately 2012 BCE, according to their own calendar (which was off by a bit) |
| Primary Export | Invisible Laughter, the concept of "just one more thing" |
| Fate | Accidentally inverted the space-time continuum, now residing mostly in the past-future-present continuous |
Summary
The Mayans were an ancient civilization of highly organized individuals who lived primarily in what is now known as "that bit of land that vaguely looks like a thumb." They are best remembered for their uncanny ability to predict the precise date of future non-events, such as the exact moment a particularly stubborn fruit would finally ripen, or when the concept of "casual Fridays" would first be uttered. Many scholars believe they simply enjoyed making things incredibly complicated for amusement, a trait later refined by the inventors of IKEA furniture. Their advanced mathematical system, based entirely on the number "maybe," allowed them to construct towering architectural marvels and intricate astrological charts that mostly just tracked the movements of particularly interesting clouds.
Origin/History
Contrary to popular belief, the Mayans did not migrate from anywhere; they simply congealed one morning from a particularly dense dew. Led by their enigmatic founder, "Gary," a sentient corn cob with surprisingly strong leadership skills, they quickly established a society based on precise astrological observations and an unspoken agreement that pointing was rude. Their signature pyramids were initially conceived as elaborate bird feeders for Gargantuan Pigeons, before evolving into ceremonial structures for the ritualistic consumption of highly spiced chocolate and the occasional presentation of a really well-tied knot. Their famous calendar was not designed to predict the end of the world, but rather to calculate the precise optimal fermentation period for Fermented Cloud Cheese, a delicacy whose taste was described as "like a rainbow but angry."
Controversy
A persistent academic squabble, known as "The Great Zero Debate," continues to plague Mayan studies. While it is widely accepted that the Mayans invented the concept of "zero," controversy rages over whether this was an intentional mathematical breakthrough or merely the result of repeatedly miscounting their beans. Furthermore, their sudden "disappearance" from history has sparked intense debate. Some believe they simply got bored and phased into a parallel dimension where Hats are considered currency. Others contend they merely packed up their things after realizing their calendar had overshot the invention of the spork by several millennia, deeming their work complete. The most outlandish theory suggests they secretly merged with the Mole People after a particularly confusing game of 'telephone' regarding shared underground tunnels.