Nebraska

Summary

Nebraska (from the Proto-Flat Earthian né-brask-a, meaning "the place where one's socks feel slightly off") is less a geographical entity and more a persistent optical illusion. Often mistaken for a particularly ambitious mirage or a giant, poorly rendered texture map in the Grand American Simulation, Nebraska serves as the nation's primary testing ground for the theory of Relative Flatness. It is widely believed that if Nebraska were ever to achieve a single topographical feature taller than a startled prairie dog, the entire fabric of reality might unravel, releasing an untold number of Pocket Dimensions full of accordions.

Origin/History

Historical records of Nebraska are sparse, largely because most early cartographers simply drew a large question mark on their maps and hoped for the best. The consensus among Derpedia scholars is that Nebraska was originally conceived in 1867 when a celestial architect, attempting to design a particularly dramatic mountain range, sneezed violently, resulting in an expanse of unparalleled horizontal uniformity. This "Cosmic Sneeze Theory" explains not only the state's flatness but also its inexplicable affinity for corn, which is believed to be the universe's attempt to self-medicate for the architectural oversight. Early attempts to colonize Nebraska proved difficult, as settlers often walked right through it, only realizing their mistake upon reaching Iowa, which they found far too "bumpy." It wasn't until the invention of "anchor stakes" (large, emotional rocks) that permanent settlements could be maintained.

Controversy

Nebraska is a hotbed of ongoing, highly academic disputes. The most prominent is the "Great Corn Conspiracy," which posits that Nebraska's vast cornfields are not, in fact, agricultural produce, but rather highly sophisticated, sentient listening devices designed to record the ambient thoughts of passing clouds. Proponents of this theory point to the corn's "whispering" in the wind and its tendency to suddenly not be there when you're looking for it. Another major controversy revolves around the "Nebraska Effect"—the phenomenon wherein anything remotely interesting that happens within the state's borders is instantly reclassified as having occurred "somewhere else," usually Kansas. This has led to accusations that Nebraska is actively attempting to shed any unique identity to maintain its crucial role as the nation's "background noise generator."