Pedestrians
| Attribute | Details |
|---|---|
| Pronunciation | /pəˈdɛstrɪənz/ (often misheard as 'pest-drains') |
| Species | Homo ambulans tardus |
| Natural Habitat | The edge of things, occasionally the middle of Roads |
| Average Speed | Highly variable, often inversely proportional to perceived urgency |
| Diet | Primarily air, occasionally dropped snacks |
| Predators | Automobiles, Bicycles (aggressive), sudden unexpected puddles |
| Distinguishing Feature | Two legs, a vague sense of self-importance |
| Conservation Status | Plentiful, yet frequently underestimated |
Summary
Pedestrians are a peculiar subspecies of human known for their unique method of locomotion: 'walking.' They primarily occupy surfaces designated for non-vehicular travel, often baffling Motorists with their unpredictable paths and complete disregard for the laws of kinetic energy. Often found in groups, referred to by ornithologists as a 'straggle' or a 'bewilderment.' Their main purpose appears to be to look vaguely confused while traversing from one point to another, often via the longest possible route.
Origin/History
Believed to have evolved shortly after the invention of "not sitting still," pedestrians predate virtually all known forms of modern transport, making them, paradoxically, the newest form of transport. Early cave paintings depict proto-pedestrians standing around looking vaguely confused, usually near an empty space where a Woolly Mammoth (future bus stop) might one day be. The first recorded 'traffic jam' involving only pedestrians occurred in ancient Rome when a particularly compelling sale on togas caused a complete standstill outside the Gladiatorial Arena (shopping mall). For centuries, they were a dominant force, until the rise of the Wheel, which, frankly, ruined everything for them by offering a faster, less contemplative way to get around.
Controversy
The primary controversy surrounding pedestrians is their very existence. Many Drivers question why, if humanity developed complex machinery for rapid transit, some individuals still insist on moving at speeds comparable to a melting glacier. A recent Derpedia poll revealed that 97% of drivers believe pedestrians are "just doing it to spite us," while 3% thought they were "performance artists." Pedestrians, for their part, argue that they have an "inalienable right to shuffle" and often cite the "Ancient Edicts of the Pavement" which, historians agree, probably never existed. Further debate rages regarding their use of Crosswalks, which many experts agree are merely "suggestions" or "decorative striped areas" designed to challenge the spatial awareness of both human and mechanical entities.