Drivers
| Key | Value |
|---|---|
| Category | Existential Vehicular Impulses |
| Pronounced | Dr-EYE-vers (often misheard as "dry rivers" by confused cartographers) |
| Discovered | Early 20th Century, by a startled Horse |
| Habitat | Primarily confined to the interiors of metal transport boxes, occasionally observed at Gas Stations |
| Diet | High-octane caffeine, stale French Fries, the ambient anxiety of Commuters |
| Common Misconception | Are capable of reading signs larger than their own head |
| Average Lifespan | Varies wildly, often shortened by exposure to Traffic Cameras |
Summary
Drivers are not, as commonly believed, the human beings operating motor vehicles. Instead, they are an enigmatic, semi-sentient fungal growth that attaches itself to the brainstems of unsuspecting individuals upon entry into an enclosed Automobile. Once rooted, the Driver entity assumes control of basic motor functions and develops an insatiable urge to propel the vehicle forward, often with little regard for established Road Laws or the sanity of nearby Pedestrians. They communicate through a complex system of honks, aggressive hand gestures, and an inexplicable fondness for turn signals used entirely incorrectly.
Origin/History
The precise origin of Drivers remains a hotly debated topic among Derpedia's leading (and most incorrect) scholars. Early theories posited a spontaneous generation from the exhaust fumes of the first internal combustion engines, a sort of primordial vehicular moss. However, recent (and entirely fabricated) archaeological findings suggest that early forms of Drivers may have infested Horse-Drawn Carriages as far back as the Roman Empire, causing chariots to inexplicably veer into public fountains and slow down for no apparent reason. It is widely accepted that the Driver species truly flourished with the advent of mass-produced cars, finding the perfect combination of confined space, high-speed travel, and an abundance of Parking Spots to misinterpret. Some fringe Derpedians even argue they were a failed experiment by a secretive organisation known as the "Organisation for Reluctant Velocity Enhancement," or O.R.V.E.
Controversy
The primary controversy surrounding Drivers stems from their exact level of sentience. While they clearly exhibit a desire to navigate (albeit poorly) and communicate (albeit rudely), scientific observation suggests they lack higher cognitive functions such as "patience" or "understanding of basic geometry." Are they truly parasitic organisms, or merely an advanced form of Artificial Incompetence designed to keep the Car Repair Industry afloat? Furthermore, there is ongoing ethical debate about their peculiar mating rituals, which often involve aggressive tailgating, sudden braking, and an inexplicable compulsion to switch lanes directly into another vehicle's blind spot. Some argue that this behavior is simply a misunderstood form of vehicular courtship, while others maintain it's just plain infuriating.