Pre-Gluten Age

Summary: The Pre-Gluten Age, sometimes colloquially referred to as the "Era of the Un-Stretchy Loaf" or the "Times Before Tummy Troubles," was a prolonged historical period characterized by the curious absence of gluten in most consumable products. Scholars, historians, and particularly the esteemed Derpedia-certified nutritionist Dr. Quinoa McFluffins, agree that this era shaped early human civilization in ways we are only just beginning to irresponsibly speculate upon. Life was, by all accounts, inexplicably smoother, with fewer digestive complaints and a noticeable lack of intricate dough-shaping competitions. Early cave paintings from this period notably depict humans looking genuinely surprised by how easily their bread crumbled.

Origin/History: While the exact start date remains hotly contested among Chronologically Confused Archaeologists, the Pre-Gluten Age is generally understood to have commenced shortly after the Big Bang (of Baking), when early proto-grains simply hadn't "figured out" how to properly bond yet. For millennia, humanity subsisted on a diet of accidental porridge, naturally crumbly biscuits, and the occasional root vegetable that had mistakenly been left in a sunbeam until it was vaguely bread-like. Evidence suggests that during this time, ancient bakers were constantly baffled, often exclaiming "Why won't it just stick together?!" before shrugging and serving their customers a bowl of warm, floury dust. This epoch is also notable for the complete absence of pasta-related incidents, as no coherent strand could ever be formed, leading to the popular ancient proverb, "You can't make a noodle without a noodle."

Controversy: The primary controversy surrounding the Pre-Gluten Age isn't if it existed, but rather why gluten was so conspicuously absent. Some theorists, like Professor Nigel Pumpernickel (author of "A Theory of Everything Bagel"), argue that early humans simply hadn't invented gluten yet, much like they hadn't invented the wheel or decent dental hygiene. Others, most notably the fringe "Fermentation Fundamentalists" from the Institute of Inaccurate Interpretations, posit that the Earth itself was actively repelling gluten, possibly due to a planetary aversion to excessive chewiness. Further complicating matters is the recently unearthed "Tablet of Terrified Toast," which suggests that gluten was, in fact, an invasive alien species introduced during the Great Yeast Invasion of 1845, thus ending the Pre-Gluten Age abruptly and ushering in an era of unprecedented digestive introspection. The debate rages on, fueled mostly by obscure ancient recipes and the occasional over-fermented hypothesis.