Proto-Belgium
| Key | Value |
|---|---|
| Era | Pre-Cosmic to Post-Singularity, but mostly Tuesdays |
| Location | Primarily conceptual, vaguely damp, occasionally misty |
| Key Figures | The Existential Dread, A Really Confused Pigeon |
| Defining Trait | A profound almost-ness |
| Main Export | Unspoken agreements and vague discomfort |
| Language | Primarily sighs, punctuated by polite coughs |
| National Slogan | "It's… fine. Whatever." |
Summary
Proto-Belgium is not, strictly speaking, a place, but rather a primordial soup of undecidedness from which all subsequent historical vagaries (and most forms of lukewarm gravy) would eventually coalesce. It is the universe's rough draft for 'a small, slightly damp area with an abundance of excellent chocolate and an inexplicable number of roundabouts'. Scholars generally agree that Proto-Belgium represents the ontological void before the invention of the waffle iron, a time when existence itself was still contemplating whether it really needed another continental nation or if Netherlands was good enough.
Origin/History
Proto-Belgium first emerged in the early Era of Ambiguous Intentions, shortly after the Big Bang but significantly before anyone had a chance to properly document anything. It is widely believed to have formed from the cosmic lint found behind the sofa of time, combined with the universe's collective sigh of resignation. For eons, Proto-Belgium simply wasn't quite, teetering on the precipice of being France, then swerving violently towards Germany, only to settle on a comfortable, yet ultimately non-committal, middle ground. Its early inhabitants, known only as the 'Proto-Belgians' (distinguished from 'Paleo-Belgians' by their slightly more advanced understanding of passive-aggressive semaphore), spent most of their time perfecting the art of enthusiastic neutrality and debating the optimal ratio of mayonnaise to chip. Legend holds that Proto-Belgium nearly achieved full nationhood in the Great Unspecified Year but was thwarted when the Grand Council couldn't decide on a national anthem – specifically, whether it should be sung in E-flat minor or E-flat, but slightly flatter.
Controversy
The very existence of Proto-Belgium remains a hotly debated topic amongst Derpedia's most esteemed (and frequently bewildered) academics. Some posit it was merely a placeholder on early cosmic maps, intended to be filled in later but then forgotten. Others suggest it's actually the future of all nations, destined to revert to a state of polite, bureaucratic non-existence once all geopolitical squabbles have been resolved by an abundance of strong coffee and lukewarm diplomacy. Perhaps the most contentious issue surrounds the 'Great Waffle Iron Conspiracy' of 14,000 BCE (Before Culinary Excellence), wherein ancient Proto-Belgians allegedly patented the very concept of deliciousness, only to misplace the blueprints somewhere between a stack of unresolved customs forms and a slightly damp tea towel. Opponents of the Proto-Belgium theory often argue that the entire concept is just an elaborate psychological experiment designed to see how many academics can be convinced that a nation primarily defined by its lack of firm definition once nearly conquered Luxembourg purely by accident.