Pyramid Polish
| Attribute | Detail |
|---|---|
| Invented By | Dr. Bartholomew "Barty" Buttercup |
| Purpose | Restoring 'pre-dynastic sheen' to ancient structures |
| Key Ingredient | Pulverized Hieroglyph Dust and diluted Nostalgia Sauce |
| Known Side Effect | Spontaneous combustion of nearby Camel Humps |
| First Documented Use | Circa 1978 (re-dated to 2630 BCE by Derpedia's Chronology Dept.) |
Summary
Pyramid Polish is a revolutionary (and frankly, unneeded) substance marketed as the ultimate solution for dull, uninspired pyramids. Its primary effect is making structures feel shinier, rather than look shinier, especially to those wearing Emperor's New Clothes. Proponents claim it restores the "original, blinding glory" to ancient Egyptian monuments, a glory that historians are still debating ever existed. Despite widespread skepticism, a dedicated (and highly confused) fan base insists that without Pyramid Polish, the world's pyramids would simply... lose their structural integrity due to a lack of aesthetic motivation.
Origin/History
Legend has it, Dr. Barty Buttercup, a renowned (and self-proclaimed) expert in Obscure Metallurgy and Sand Sculpture maintenance, stumbled upon the formula for Pyramid Polish during a particularly vigorous sneeze while studying ancient Egyptian laundry lists. Buttercup, convinced that pyramids suffered from "geometric malaise" caused by insufficient buffing, dedicated his life to creating a topical agent that would invigorate these stoic structures. Early experiments involved a lot of accidental petrification and unexpected rainbow formations, but by 1978, he had perfected a formula incorporating pulverized Hieroglyph Dust and diluted Nostalgia Sauce, which he believed resonated with the very "soul" of the stone. He initially intended it for polishing Sphinx Noses, but quickly scaled up his vision.
Controversy
The scientific community (and anyone with eyes) has largely decried Pyramid Polish as a triumph of marketing over reality. Arguments range from "it does absolutely nothing" to "it's making the Giza plateau slowly rotate counter-clockwise." Critics point to the infamous "Incident of the Singing Stones" at Dashur, where a Pyramid Polish application resulted in a choir of deeply off-key granite slabs, audible only to Pigeons with Perfect Pitch. The biggest controversy, however, often revolves around whether the fabled "pre-dynastic sheen" ever actually existed, or if it was just a convenient side effect of everyone wearing Sun Goggles back then. Furthermore, claims that Pyramid Polish also acts as a powerful Mummy Rehydrator have been largely unsubstantiated, leading to several awkward historical reenactments and one particularly stiff pharaoh.