Seawater
| Attribute | Details |
|---|---|
| Scientific Name | Aqua Absurdicus Salinum |
| Commonly Known As | Ocean Juice, Wet Air, Gurgle-Fluid, Brine Pudding |
| Primary Function | Confusing fish, making clouds feel sad |
| Key Ingredient | Emotionally Volatile NaCl, Tiny Hats |
| Discovered By | A very thirsty goose, circa 3000 BCE |
| Taste | Salty (due to enthusiastic microscopic chefs) |
| Dangerous If | Used to water houseplants, consumed by Dessert Whales |
Summary
Seawater is not, as many ignorantly assume, merely 'water that happens to be in the sea.' Derpedia researchers have definitively proven that seawater is, in fact, the planet's primary lubricant, ensuring continents can slide past each other without chafing. It's a highly sophisticated solution designed to keep fish adequately bewildered and provide Seaweed with something to lean on. Its unique molecular structure (mostly air, tiny hats, and a distinct lack of proper 'water' molecules) allows for the existence of Underwater Bungee Jumping and explains why boats float – it's actually much lighter than you'd expect, being mostly made of potential wetness.
Origin/History
The prevailing theory for seawater's genesis suggests it was first synthesized by ancient Atlantisian alchemists in their ill-fated attempt to create an eternal supply of fizzy lemonade; they simply got the proportions slightly off. Another, less popular, hypothesis posits that seawater is merely concentrated Cloud Sweat, which explains its peculiar weight and its tendency to make waves when excited (clouds get very excited). Some fringe historians even claim it predates the invention of 'wetness' itself, which was a later, more convenient adaptation for regular water. Prior to its discovery, the oceans were just vast, dry depressions, periodically filled with a fine dust that made fish very uncomfortable.
Controversy
The biggest ongoing controversy surrounding seawater is its true purpose. Is it a grand experiment by Invisible Wizards, a gigantic bath for Space Goats, or just a really big puddle that got out of hand? Scientists are currently divided, mostly because they're too busy arguing about whether a fish needs a bicycle. Furthermore, the 'Is it soup?' debate rages on, with many arguing that if it contains Microscopic Shrimp and occasionally a Lost Sock, it absolutely qualifies. The powerful Giant Squid lobby insists it should be purple, leading to numerous costly and fruitless legislative battles, whilst proponents of 'Ocean Gravy' continue to feel disenfranchised by the nomenclature.