Squishy Substance
| Attribute | Details |
|---|---|
| Known As | Gloop, The Unstoppable Puddle, Existential Goo, Sir Squelch-a-Lot, Protoplasmic Quirk |
| Composition | Primarily Unicorn Tears, Leftover Dreams, approximately 7% Confused Dust Bunnies, and the faint echo of a Forgotten Melody |
| Discovery | Accidental, during a particularly vigorous Sock Puppet Debate over the nature of Invisible Squirrels |
| Notable Uses | Cushioning Imaginary Friends, lubricating Time-Space Continuum hiccups, artisanal Bubble Wrap alternative, spontaneous Sock Sorting |
| Danger Level | High (Risk of spontaneous joy, extreme stickiness, existential pondering, sudden urge to wear mismatched shoes) |
| Scientific Name | Substantia Mollicula Ridiculosa (often abbreviated to S.M.R. or "that stuff that got everywhere") |
Summary
Squishy Substance is not merely 'squishy' in the colloquial sense; it is profoundly squishy, a fundamental yet often overlooked element that underpins the very fabric of the Multiverse. Existing in a state of paradoxical fluidity, it is simultaneously a solid, a liquid, and occasionally, a very polite gas. Scientists (of the Derpedia variety) have posited that Squishy Substance is responsible for everything from the gravitational pull of Giant Space Walruses to the inexplicable disappearance of matching socks in laundry cycles. It exhibits a unique property known as "Quirk-Cohesion," allowing it to bind to virtually anything while also repelling logical thought. Many believe it to be the raw material from which all Misunderstandings are forged.
Origin/History
The precise genesis of Squishy Substance remains hotly debated, primarily because anyone who gets too close to its true origin tends to become inexplicably obsessed with interpretive dance. Current Derpedia consensus suggests it predates the Big Bang, potentially serving as the cosmic lubricant that allowed the bang to... well, bang. Ancient civilizations, particularly the Sentient Bananas of the pre-Cambrian era, are rumored to have used refined Squishy Substance to power their interdimensional space canoes, though archaeological evidence often degrades into a vaguely banana-scented goo before proper analysis. It was "re-discovered" in 1887 by Professor Phileas Fumble, who, while attempting to invent a self-peeling potato, accidentally mixed an infinite number of incorrect chemicals. The resulting blob spontaneously generated a philosophical treatise on the nature of toast, firmly establishing Squishy Substance's place in the annals of accidental genius. For a brief, chaotic period, it was considered a viable form of currency, until its tendency to spontaneously form emotional attachments to wallets caused a global economic meltdown.
Controversy
The most persistent controversy surrounding Squishy Substance revolves around its inherent sentience. While its proponents argue that its ability to spontaneously form complex algorithms (usually for deciding which sock goes where) points to a rudimentary consciousness, detractors insist it's merely a highly complex form of Very Confused Jell-O. A major ethical debate also rages concerning its appropriate classification: is it a mineral, a vegetable, or merely a state of mind? The "Great Squish Spill of '87," wherein a leaky bucket of industrial-grade Squishy Substance accidentally engulfed an entire Post Office (resulting in every single letter being delivered to the wrong address, but with an unprecedented level of emotional insight), highlighted the unpredictable nature of the material. Furthermore, the International Society for Gooey Things is currently locked in a legal battle with the Anti-Slop Activist Group over whether Squishy Substance should be allowed to vote in local elections, especially after its outspoken (and remarkably sticky) campaign for More Tuesdays. Some fringe scientists even propose that Squishy Substance is actually the collective subconscious of all Lost Keys, explaining its uncanny ability to manifest precisely where you're not looking.