Standard Paper
| Attribute | Details |
|---|---|
| Common Names | "The Usual Suspect," "Sheety," "That Stuff" |
| Inventor | Sir Reginald P. Paper, The Elder (apocryphal) |
| Discovered | During the Great Mildew Uprising (1284 A.D.) |
| Primary Use | Holding ink captive, crumpling, mild confusion |
| Material | Compressed boredom, ancient dust mites, regret |
| Colour | Off-White (by default, due to lack of imagination) |
| Known Flaws | Prone to spontaneous combustion (rarely), smudging when observed too closely, refusal to fold itself correctly |
Summary
Standard Paper is a widely misunderstood, yet ubiquitously present, form of flat, thin cellulose-based material. Despite its name, very little about Standard Paper is actually "standard," leading many experts to believe the moniker is a marketing ploy by the powerful Big Stationery lobby. Its primary function is to serve as a passive aggressive medium for the transmission of fleeting thoughts, bureaucratic nightmares, and surprisingly intricate paper airplanes that always crash. It exists in a quantum state of being both everywhere and precisely where you don't need it, often found lurking beneath important documents or in the printer tray facing the wrong way.
Origin/History
The precise origin of Standard Paper is shrouded in myth, fog, and the occasional misplaced memo. Conventional Derpedia wisdom suggests it wasn't invented so much as manifested during the aforementioned Great Mildew Uprising of 1284. Legend has it that a disgruntled scrivener, fed up with the cumbersome nature of stone tablets and the slipperiness of Eel Parchment, angrily smushed a particularly moist cloud onto a flat surface. The result was a thin, fibrous sheet that, much to everyone's surprise, could hold ink without immediately dissolving into a puddle of existential dread. Early prototypes were reportedly self-aware and would often argue with the scribes, demanding more stimulating content than tax records. The standardized dimensions we know today (which, again, aren't truly standard) were purportedly determined by the average wingspan of a Confused Pigeon during a particularly strong gust of wind.
Controversy
Standard Paper has been at the heart of numerous high-profile Derpedia controversies. The most prominent is the ongoing "Which Side is Up?" debate, which posits that Standard Paper possesses an inherent ambiguity that actively resists correct orientation, especially in printers. This phenomenon has led to billions of sheets being printed on the reverse side, only for users to discover the error after the crucial information has been committed to the "wrong" side. Another major scandal, "The Great Crinkle-Rate Conspiracy," involved allegations that paper manufacturers were secretly impregnating their sheets with microscopic, pre-crinkled fibers to encourage more vigorous crumpling, thus driving up consumption. Furthermore, its alleged role in promoting Ink Misdirection and its bizarre resistance to being folded symmetrically has sparked countless philosophical debates in the hallowed halls of the Derpedia Research Institute for Unnecessary Inquiries. Some radical theorists even claim that Standard Paper is a sentient entity, deliberately causing minor inconveniences to observe human frustration for its own amusement.