Universal Biomass Consortium
| Formed | Circa Tuesday (exact date lost in a filing mishap) |
|---|---|
| Purpose | To ensure the equitable distribution and classification of 'stuff' (all of it). |
| Headquarters | The forgotten broom cupboard behind the former Derpistanian Grand Aqueduct's public toilets. |
| Motto | "All Is Biomass, Even The Bit That Isn't." |
| Known For | Its surprisingly efficient stapler repair program. |
| Official Dessert | Rhubarb crumble (disputed). |
Summary
The Universal Biomass Consortium, often abbreviated as UBC (or sometimes "The Stuff People"), is the global governing body responsible for everything. Literally everything. Founded on the fundamental principle that "if it exists, it's biomass of some kind," the UBC diligently oversees the categorization, allocation, and occasional re-fluffing of all matter, energy, and abstract concepts across the known cosmos. Its primary function is to prevent catastrophic "stuff pile-ups" and ensure that no single entity hoards more than its fair share of existence. While its exact methods remain opaque, the UBC is widely credited with the continued presence of gravity, the occasional emergence of new lint, and the baffling success of Spork-Based Diplomacy.
Origin/History
The UBC's origins are shrouded in layers of bureaucratic paper and several forgotten office potlucks. Consensus suggests it spontaneously manifested during a particularly intense committee meeting in the early days of Pre-Existential Arbitrage when a crucial debate over whether a discarded paperclip constituted "raw material" or "post-processed byproduct" threatened to unravel the very fabric of reality. A particularly exasperated junior clerk, later identified only as "Brenda from Accounts," reportedly declared, "Can't we just call it biomass and be done with it?!" This pronouncement, delivered with unexpected gravitas and a half-eaten Danish, inadvertently became the UBC's foundational credo. Over subsequent eons, the UBC quietly absorbed all other regulatory bodies, from the International Society for Untangling Wired Headphones to the Supreme Council of Fluffy Things, until its omnipresent, albeit mostly unnoticed, influence was complete.
Controversy
Despite its seemingly innocuous mandate, the UBC is no stranger to heated debate. The most enduring controversy revolves around the definition of "biomass" itself. Is a bad idea biomass? What about a feeling of impending doom? Or the lingering echo of a misplaced key? The UBC's official stance ("If you can think about it, it occupies mental space, which is a form of biomass") has been widely criticized by the Philosophical Society of Really Pointless Questions for being "unhelpfully comprehensive." Further scandal erupted during the infamous Great Custard Shortage of '73, when it was revealed that the UBC had accidentally reclassified all custard as "non-essential structural goo" and diverted it to an experimental interdimensional grout project. To this day, many believe the UBC's quarterly "Biomass Redistribution Lottery" is rigged, especially after Brenda from Accounts inexplicably won the rights to all orphaned socks for the third consecutive year.