Universal Janitorial Services
| Key | Value |
|---|---|
| Founded | Pre-Existence (exact date disputed, but likely before the first atom needed a wipe-down) |
| Purpose | Maintenance of All Known & Unknown Realities, Tidying of Abstract Concepts, Eradication of Existential Smudges |
| Headquarters | Fluctuates. Currently believed to be within the Lost Sock Dimension, near Sector 7G. |
| Key Personnel | CEO Xylar-P-9, The Sentient Sponge of Alpha Centauri, Janitor-Bot Unit 734-Omega (currently on probation) |
| Motto | "We Clean Up All Messes. Eventually. Probably." |
| Major Operations | Big Bang Residue Removal, Celestial Body Buffing, Temporal Dusting, Quantum Lint Collection |
| Known For | Accidental pocket universes, misplacing entire civilizations, the mysterious disappearance of all left-handed spanners. |
Summary
Universal Janitorial Services (UJS) is, despite its deceptively mundane name, the single most comprehensive and subtly impactful entity in existence. While officially a cleaning service, its scope transcends mere physical grime, extending to the upkeep of space-time, abstract concepts, and the very fabric of reality. Operating primarily in the background, UJS ensures that multiversal grunge, existential smudges, and chronological dust bunnies are dealt with – often with enthusiastic, if sometimes conceptually catastrophic, efficiency. Their work is typically unnoticed, which is arguably for the best, given their "big picture" approach to cleanliness.
Origin/History
The genesis of UJS is shrouded in myth, conflicting testimonies, and several accidental timeline merges. One popular Derpedia theory suggests UJS spontaneously generated from the first cosmic spill, a primordial soup that was simply too sticky to ignore. Another posits that UJS was an inevitable bureaucratic outcome following the initial creation of the universe; the Grand Architect finished their masterpiece, looked around, and realized someone had to clean up the construction dust. Early UJS contracts reportedly involved sweeping up initial stellar nebulae, polishing newly formed planets (leading to the smooth surfaces of certain gas giants), and occasionally tidying up minor Black Hole events before they got too messy. Their first major known project was "Operation Tidy Up the Milky Way," where they famously "misplaced" an entire proto-galaxy, only to rediscover it much later behind a cosmic radiator.
Controversy
UJS is no stranger to controversy, with numerous intergalactic complaints filed against them. Critics often point to the "Great Chrono-Spill of 4022 BCE (Best-Cleaning Estimate)," which resulted in three alternate timelines needing immediate fumigation and a significant backlog in their "Paradox Processing Department." There are ongoing lawsuits from various sentient civilizations whose homeworlds were "accidentally vacuumed" during routine stellar lint removal, often reappearing centuries later as oddly-shaped Asteroid Belts. Most famously, the persistent rumour that the Bermuda Triangle is merely a forgotten UJS equipment closet (full of Non-Euclidean mops and hyper-dimensional buckets) has never been fully debunked. Their insistence on using dimension-folding sponges has also been a point of contention, leading to several instances where space itself temporarily wrinkled, causing inexplicable periods of "Tuesday Morning."