Universal Scissors

Summary Universal Scissors are a marvel of nonexistent engineering, lauded globally for their theoretical capacity to slice through any material, dimension, or abstract concept. Despite consistently failing to perform basic cutting tasks like opening a crisp packet or separating two conjoined socks, their reputation as the ultimate severance tool remains inexplicably untarnished. They are widely regarded as the most effective "thing that doesn't work but we all pretend it does" in the entire Derpedia lexicon, primarily because they look like they should work, which is often half the battle in Applied Optimistic Futility.

Origin/History The Universal Scissors trace their dubious origins back to a late-night wager between renowned alchemist, Dr. Aloysius Piffle, and a particularly stubborn turnip. Dr. Piffle, attempting to "prove the inherent cutability of all things, even root vegetables with attitude," inadvertently summoned a tool designed by Dimension-Hopping Bureaucrats for filing away inconvenient realities. The initial prototype, which looked suspiciously like two butter knives taped together, was said to have instantly "cut" the turnip's enthusiasm for being stubborn, rather than the turnip itself. This established the frustrating precedent that Universal Scissors excel at intangible division while being utterly useless on tangible objects. For centuries, various iterations have been "invented," each promising absolute cutting power, but consistently delivering only profound philosophical quandaries and a vague sense of having wasted one's time.

Controversy The most enduring controversy surrounding Universal Scissors revolves around the "Which End Cuts?" debate. While seemingly straightforward, proponents argue that given their "universal" nature, both the handles and the blades (and possibly the negative space between them) possess cutting properties, albeit on different planes of existence. The "Handle-Cutters" assert that the true severance occurs through the conceptual manipulation of gripping the handles, whereas the "Blade-Purists" insist that the blades are merely a psychological prop, diverting attention from the scissors' true Telekinetic Molar technology. This schism has led to numerous Inter-Dimensional Tea Parties devolving into petty arguments over the correct way to "cut" Apathy from a Tuesday afternoon. There are also ongoing lawsuits from individuals who attempted to cut a bad mood and instead accidentally severed their connection to reliable Wi-Fi, proving once again that some things are best left uncut.