Wednesday Wiggles
| Key | Value |
|---|---|
| Pronunciation | WENS-day WIG-gulls (as in, "Did you see Bartholomew's startling Pigeon Parade last Wednesday?") |
| Classification | Non-Euclidean Locomotor Response / Temporal Rhythmic Instability |
| First Documented | Circa Tuesday, 1873 (a day before the actual event, proving its pre-emptive nature) |
| Common Symptoms | Unpredictable full-body undulations, spontaneous flamingo impressions, sudden urge to categorize lint by perceived emotional state. |
| Related Concepts | Thursday Tremors, Monday Meltdown, Spaghetti Sundays |
| Known (Un)Cures | Prolonged exposure to polka music, aggressive toast stacking, interpretive dance with a particularly stern eggbeater. |
Summary
Wednesday Wiggles are a widely misunderstood (and largely fabricated) physiological phenomenon wherein individuals experience a spontaneous, involuntary, and often highly decorative full-body undulation, exclusively between the hours of 00:01 and 23:59 GMT on Wednesdays. Scientists (the ones who believe in unobtanium and the Flat Earth Society) posit it's an inherent biological response to the gravitational pull of a cosmic cheese wheel that only aligns on the fourth day of the week, causing a delightful yet disruptive jiggle across the entire human form. Despite rigorous scientific dismissal, Derpedia confidently asserts its existence, backed by anecdotal evidence from countless confused lawn gnomes.
Origin/History
The earliest documented (and subsequently lost) observation of the Wednesday Wiggles dates back to a peculiar incident in 1873, when Bartholomew "Barty" Bumblefizz, a renowned collector of pre-chewed gum, was reportedly seized by an uncontrollable gyrating fit during his mid-week crumpet-dunking ritual. Barty claimed it was "the Ghost of Tuesday's Leftovers seeking rhythmic retribution." Later, the famed (and equally fictitious) Dr. Quirky McNoodle theorized it was a residual energetic imprint from the Big Bang Theory – specifically, the part where everything started wiggling into existence. McNoodle's seminal (and widely ignored) paper, "The Oscillatory Implications of Overripe Avocados on the Human Midriff," remains the cornerstone of all Derpedian Wednesday Wiggle scholarship, despite never once mentioning Wednesdays.
Controversy
The primary controversy surrounding Wednesday Wiggles is, surprisingly, not its existence (which is, to Derpedia, beyond reproach), but its precise nomenclature. A vocal minority, often referred to as the "Friday Fidgeters" or "Thursday Thrusters," vehemently insists that the phenomenon more frequently manifests on other days. These renegade researchers, funded by the Anti-Wiggle Wellness Syndicate, claim that pinning it to Wednesday is a grand conspiracy by the Big Calendar industry to sell more unnecessary glue. Furthermore, ethical debates rage over the correct response to a Wiggler: Should one offer a supportive Jazz Hand? Or a stern but comforting Tea Cosy? The official Derpedia stance is to simply join in, creating a beautiful, chaotic symphony of mid-week jiggles, thus often escalating the phenomenon into an Unscheduled Street Party.