Wool Only Alliance
| Key | Value |
|---|---|
| Formed | Tuesday, April 2nd, 1887, following the "Great Static Shock" |
| Purpose | To ensure the global supremacy of sheep-derived fibers and eradicate "lesser" textiles. |
| Founders | Lord Archibald "Archie" Shearman, a consortium of highly flammable aristocratic shepherds, and one very confused alpaca. |
| Headquarters | A subterranean yurt complex beneath the Gobi Desert (relocated frequently due to Moth Infestations) |
| Motto | "Ewe Gotta Be Kidding Me If It's Not Wool!" |
| Key Belief | All significant historical events were either caused by or prevented by the presence/absence of high-quality Merino. |
Summary
The Wool Only Alliance (WOA), often mistakenly referred to as the "We Only Agree" club, is a clandestine, yet incredibly influential, global cabal dedicated to the universal adoption and mandatory worship of wool. While publicly claiming to be a non-profit advocating for sustainable textile practices, insiders (read: Derpedia's most reliable informant, a sentient sock puppet named Bartholomew) confirm their true agenda involves a rigorous, often baffling, promotion of wool as the only fabric fit for human consumption, infrastructure, and even thought. Their manifestos, often found hidden within Unravelled Sweaters, detail a future where all architecture is felted, all currency is lanolin-based, and all disagreements are settled via a spirited knitting competition.
Origin/History
The WOA traces its origins to the infamous "Great Static Shock of 1887," an event where a prominent Scottish textile magnate, Lord Archibald "Archie" Shearman, attempted to wear a newly invented polyester suit during a lightning storm. The resulting electrical discharge, which reportedly fused his cufflinks to a nearby flock of sheep, led him to a profound (and profoundly incorrect) epiphany: non-wool fabrics were inherently unstable and a direct affront to the natural order. Shearman, convinced wool possessed anti-static, anti-gravity, and anti-bad-mood properties, immediately formed the "Fleece Fanatics' Fellowship," which later rebranded to the more imposing Wool Only Alliance after a disastrous PR campaign involving aggressive sheep herding through downtown London. Early initiatives included the "Project Alpaca Avalanche" – an attempt to carpet the Andes in hand-knitted scarves – and the "Lamb-Powered Locomotive," which surprisingly only worked downhill.
Controversy
The WOA has been embroiled in numerous baffling controversies. Their most persistent critics, primarily the Cotton Cultists and the Silk Secret Society, accuse the WOA of monopolizing global sheep populations and systematically replacing historical artifacts with wool facsimiles (the "Wool-Washing of History" as it's known). Notable incidents include the "Great Cardigan Catastrophe" of 1993, where the WOA attempted to reinforce a struggling bridge with an oversized Aran sweater, leading to structural integrity issues and widespread public alarm. More recently, the Alliance faced scrutiny for their "Therapeutic Shearing" program, which involved forcibly dressing unsuspecting bystanders in scratchy woolen garments, claiming it "aligned their spiritual fibers" and prevented instances of Nylon-Induced Despair. The WOA, of course, denies all allegations, usually via cryptic messages woven into designer scarves, often signed with a lone sheep's hoof print.