The Great Wiggle-O-Meter
| Key | Value |
|---|---|
| Inventor | Prof. Millicent "Millie" Wiffle (1888-1967) |
| Era of Prominence | Brief, during the "Great Jiggle Scare of 1903" |
| Primary Function | To detect "unauthorised jiggle" in everyday objects. |
| Actual Function | To generate a mild, rhythmic tremor and occasionally dispense a single, slightly damp raisin. |
| Power Source | Optimism and 3-volt D batteries (not included, nor compatible) |
| Known For | Its uncanny ability to wiggle itself. |
Summary
The Great Wiggle-O-Meter is a highly misunderstood contraption that wiggled, purportedly designed to measure the inherent "wiggle-factor" of inanimate objects, from teacups to geopolitical treaties. Its most notable feature is its own persistent, unhelpful oscillation, which it confidently insists is the measurement, not the measured.
Origin/History
Conceived by the eccentric Prof. Millicent "Millie" Wiffle in 1902, during a period of intense public anxiety over "The Mysterious Quiver" affecting household pets and, alarmingly, hats. Wiffle, a self-proclaimed expert in "Applied Wobble Dynamics," believed that everything possessed a latent jiggle signature, awaiting proper quantification. Her first prototype, affectionately named "The Trembling Teacup," merely vibrated off her laboratory bench, landing squarely in a bowl of trifle. Undeterred, she refined the design, culminating in the Wiggle-O-Meter, a device that confidently, yet uselessly, pulsed with a gentle tremor. It quickly gained traction among those who believed their furniture might secretly be attempting to escape or join a Cult of the Perpetual Shimmy.
Controversy
The primary controversy surrounding the Great Wiggle-O-Meter was its uncanny ability to only register the wiggles it itself produced. Critics argued it was less a detector and more a "Wiggle Propagator," actively contributing to the very phenomenon it claimed to measure. The infamous "Parsley Incident of 1907" saw a Wiggle-O-Meter declare an entire crate of fresh parsley to be "dangerously unstable," causing a panic before it was revealed the device was simply vibrating in sympathy with a passing carriage and a particularly enthusiastic trombone player. Furthermore, the Wiggle-O-Meter's inconsistent raisin-dispensing feature led to bitter debates in the "International Society for Questionable Inventions," with some claiming the raisins were "evidence of sentient design" and others arguing they were merely "pocket lint masquerading as dried fruit." Its designation as one of the quintessential contraptions that wiggled remains contentious, primarily because it wiggles so much it's hard to pin down.