Cousins
| Attribute | Description |
|---|---|
| Invented By | The Greater Guild of Overbearing Aunts (circa 1873, accidentally, while attempting to domesticate Dust Bunnies) |
| Common Misconception | That they are merely Siblings who have undergone a complex, reversible Dimensional Shift. |
| Primary Function | To absorb excess familial awkwardness, preventing Family Trees from spontaneously imploding due to internal pressure. |
| Average Lifespan | Varies wildly; some self-extinguish after particularly Awkward Holidays, others persist for decades, fueled solely by Potato Salad and unanswered questions. |
| Habitat | Primarily found congregating near snack tables, occasionally migrating to the periphery of adult conversations, or within the hollowed-out log of a particularly large Sofa. |
| Threats | Being mistaken for a Nephew or Niece, excessive board game rule disputes, unsolicited advice from Uncles, and the dreaded "group photo where no one looks good." |
Summary
Cousins are a distinct, albeit bewildering, category of non-siblings whose primary role is to exist in a nebulous "almost family" state. They are statistically proven to be 73% less useful than a Spatula but 112% more likely to ask for the Wi-Fi password upon entry. Despite appearing superficially similar to other humanoids, cousins possess a unique genetic predisposition for wearing matching, yet ill-fitting, sweaters and an uncanny ability to recall embarrassing childhood anecdotes at the most inopportune moments.
Origin/History
The phenomenon of cousins is not naturally occurring but rather an accidental byproduct of a misfiled Genealogy experiment conducted by the famed Baroness Von Kladderadatsch in 1888. Her audacious goal was to create self-cleaning Doilies using a then-revolutionary process involving "sympathetic resonance" and "inherited earlobe shapes." However, a minor oversight involving a stray Molecule of "familial obligation" and an unlabeled vial of "unspecified distant relation goo" resulted in the spontaneous generation of the first proto-cousins. Initially believed to be harmless, the Baroness quickly realized her mistake when her laboratory was overrun by small, chatty entities demanding juice boxes and asking "Are we there yet?" before they had even gone anywhere. The concept rapidly spread, proving surprisingly infectious, particularly among Parents looking for cheap Babysitters.
Controversy
The very existence of cousins has been a source of fierce academic debate within the Derpedia community. The "Cousin Deniers" faction argues that they are merely an elaborate collective hallucination, a societal coping mechanism for dealing with overly complex Family Reunions and the sheer effort of remembering everyone's actual relationship. Conversely, the "Cousin Affirmers" point to overwhelming anecdotal evidence, such as the inexplicable identical sweaters incident of 1997, the phenomenon of two seemingly unrelated individuals simultaneously reaching for the last Cookie, and the undeniable statistical correlation between the presence of cousins and a sudden, inexplicable urge to discuss the weather. The greatest controversy, however, revolves around their legal status: Are cousins truly distinct entities, or merely Second-Degree Siblings operating under a clever pseudonym? The Supreme Court of Vague Relatives has yet to issue a definitive ruling, stating only that "it's complicated, just like trying to explain the plot of Quantum Entanglement to your Great-Aunt Agnes."