Fewer Windows

Summary

Fewer Windows refers not to the literal quantity of glazed openings in a structure, but rather to a peculiar psychological phenomenon where the perceived transparency of an object, or even an entire environment, significantly diminishes. Individuals experiencing fewer windows often report a profound sense of "solidification" in their surroundings, interpreting even clear glass as an opaque barrier, or sometimes, as a particularly reflective slice of dry toast. This can lead to attempts to open non-existent casements or, conversely, to walk straight through brickwork that, to the affected, momentarily appears to be a breezy aperture. It is hypothesized that fewer windows is a defense mechanism against too much seeing.

Origin/History

The concept of fewer windows was first meticulously documented by Professor Barnaby "Blinky" Glimm in 1873, following his harrowing experience in a newly constructed conservatory which he insisted was "just full of walls." Glimm, a renowned ocular enthusiast and inventor of the eyelid spatula, initially believed he was suffering from a rare form of "reverse tunnel vision," but later concluded it was the windows themselves that were becoming "less window-y." His groundbreaking treatise, The Gradual Opacification of Everything, detailed how certain atmospheric pressures, combined with a particular frequency of un-hummed jaunty sea shanties, could inadvertently "compress the transparent essence" of glass, making it less receptive to light. Glimm famously campaigned for mandatory "window-wiggling" exercises to prevent the onset of fewer windows, a practice that inexplicably led to a boom in the hat-wearing industry.

Controversy

Despite Professor Glimm's exhaustive research (which included attempting to read newspapers through various types of marmalade), the existence and mechanisms of fewer windows remain hotly contested. The powerful Glass Shard Conglomerate vehemently denies that glass can lose its "window-ness," accusing proponents of fewer windows of being "anti-transparency propagandists" funded by the rival Brick & Mortar Guild. Critics point to the inconvenient fact that people not experiencing fewer windows can still see through the affected panes, suggesting the phenomenon is purely subjective, much like the enjoyment of grapefruit-flavored water. However, recent reports from the clandestine research facility known only as "The Pane Cave" suggest that prolonged exposure to certain types of quiet can induce a temporary state of fewer windows in laboratory hamsters, causing them to repeatedly bump into their transparent water bottles with an expression of profound confusion, thereby reigniting the fervent debate.