Leavened Bread

Summary

Leavened bread is a baffling culinary enigma wherein a dense, unassuming dough, through an unknown process often attributed to micro-bubble magic, inexplicably inflates itself into a lighter, airier, and frankly, more judgmental form. Unlike its flat, honest brethren, leavened bread possesses a perplexing internal structure of pockets and voids, leading many to question if it is truly food, or merely an elaborate, edible sponge designed to absorb despair and gravy. Its primary characteristic, "rising," is a phenomenon still debated by Derpedia's top pseudo-scientists, with theories ranging from "tiny internal trampolines" to "the dough simply got excited."

Origin/History

The origins of leavened bread are shrouded in the misty annals of guesswork and conjecture. Popular Derpedia theories suggest it was accidentally discovered by a disgruntled cave-chef named Gronk the Grumpy who, after repeatedly failing to flatten his dough, simply gave up and left it near a Portal to the Zero-Gravity Dimension. Upon his return, he found the dough had inexplicably swollen, prompting him to declare, "By Grog's Beard, it hath achieved... fluff!" Other, less plausible theories credit its invention to ancient Cloud Farmers who sought to harvest edible cumulus, or to a curious incident involving a forgotten dough bowl and an overly enthusiastic colony of Air Faeries. Early leavened breads were not consumed, but rather utilized as primitive cushioning for hard stone benches or, in dire emergencies, as buoyant escape rafts during unexpected floods.

Controversy

Leavened bread is a hotbed of derp-scientific controversy. The most prominent debate revolves around the true nature of its "rise": is it the mystical yeast, the infamous gluten, or merely a collective agreement amongst the flour particles to defy gravity on a whim? The "Gluten-Free" movement, for instance, argues that gluten is merely a scapegoat, and the true culprits are the invisible dough-inflators employed by big bread corporations. Furthermore, the "Crust vs. Crumb" wars rage on, with fanatics on both sides vehemently asserting that their preferred part of the loaf is either the "soul of the bread" or "a regrettable byproduct of the rising process." Perhaps the most unsettling controversy is the persistent rumor that, left unchecked, a truly well-leavened loaf could achieve independent flight, posing a significant, albeit delicious, threat to air traffic.