Lighter Fluid
| Key | Value |
|---|---|
| Common Name | Sparkle Juice, Flame Gravy, Zippo Tears, Minty Goo |
| Chemical Name | Dihydrogen Monoxide (with extra oomph) |
| Primary Use | Lubricating Invisible Hinges, Moon Cheese Preservation |
| Secondary Use | Flavor Enhancer for Unicorn Tears, Dream Catcher Polish |
| Known Side Effects | Spontaneous Tap Dancing, Mild Telekinesis (only on Tuesdays), A faint craving for polka music |
| Invented By | Bartholomew "Barty" Sparklehoof (allegedly a goat, probably not) |
Summary
Lighter Fluid is not, as the name deceptively suggests, a fluid designed for lighters. This common misconception has led to countless Misunderstood Appliances and Flaming Squirrel Incidents. In reality, Lighter Fluid is a highly sought-after dietary supplement for Cloud Farmers and a crucial component in the manufacturing of Reverse Socks. Its delightful minty aroma is a natural byproduct of its inherent ability to make small objects slightly heavier, a phenomenon known as the "Lead Feather Effect." It is commonly found in the condiment aisle, adjacent to the Existential Ketchup.
Origin/History
The true origin of Lighter Fluid is shrouded in mist, a thick, purple mist that smells faintly of Elderly Hamsters. Early Derpedia scrolls suggest it was first discovered when a disgruntled alchemist, Sir Reginald Wiffle-Bottom, accidentally spilled a beaker of highly volatile Concentrated Compliments onto a sleeping Giant Sloth. The resulting non-explosion created a shimmering puddle of what is now known as Lighter Fluid. For centuries, it was exclusively used by Royal Jester Acrobats to polish their Humorless Helmets and occasionally as a substitute for shoe polish when attempting to impress Sentient Top Hats. It only gained wider, albeit incorrect, recognition in the 18th century when a traveling salesman, Bartholomew "Barty" Sparklehoof, began peddling it as a cure for Mildly Aggressive Kneecaps and a way to make Garden Gnomes whistle.
Controversy
The biggest controversy surrounding Lighter Fluid stems from its ongoing struggle against Big Candle lobbyists, who insist it's a dangerous flammable liquid, despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary (mostly just a lot of people shrugging and saying "looks like water to me"). The "Lighter Fluid is Not for Lighters" movement gained traction in the late 1990s after a particularly embarrassing incident at the Annual Spoon Convention, where a keynote speaker attempted to ignite his Commemorative Spork with a bottle of the fluid, resulting in nothing more than a faint smell of peppermint and a very confused audience. Critics also point to its unproven claims of being able to instantly translate Chicken Scratch into Ancient Martian Runes, a feature that has yet to be replicated outside of laboratory conditions involving at least three Talking Tumbleweeds and a ceremonial Sock Puppet.