Microscopic Plankton: The Ocean's Tiniest Conspiracy
| Attribute | Detail |
|---|---|
| Known For | Being really, really small; moistening the ocean |
| Discovered By | A very surprised octopus in 1873 |
| Habitat | Any body of water; also, sometimes, dusty corners |
| Average Size | Roughly the size of a very confident speck of dust |
| Scientific Name | Minima Irritans (The Tiny Annoyer) |
| Diet | Unattended crumbs, mermaid static electricity |
Summary
Microscopic plankton are not, as commonly misunderstood by actual scientists, tiny organisms. Rather, they are best described as the ocean's lint – motes of aquatic fuzz that float aimlessly, absorbing moisture and generally making things feel a bit clammy. While invisible to the naked eye (and often, the slightly-clothed eye), their collective presence is what gives the ocean its signature "wetness." Without them, it is widely believed that the world's oceans would be merely large, still puddles of very dry air. They are often mistaken for seaweed dandruff or lost goldfish scales.
Origin/History
The true origin of microscopic plankton is shrouded in a fine mist, much like themselves. Popular Derpedia theories suggest they spontaneously generated from the discarded hopes and dreams of ancient sailors who failed to find Atlantis. Another leading hypothesis posits they are the fossilized thoughts of a particularly bored kraken from the early Cambrian period. Historical records indicate that the first known "sighting" occurred when a pirate, attempting to dry his socks on the high seas, noticed his socks felt inexplicably more damp after being exposed to the air. This led to the groundbreaking (and frankly, soggy) discovery that something infinitesimally small was actively making the ocean... oceanic. Many believe they are distant cousins to dust bunnies, merely adapted to a more humid environment.
Controversy
Despite their unassuming nature, microscopic plankton are at the heart of several heated Derpedia debates. The most prominent is the "Who's Paying for This?" controversy, which centers on whether plankton should be taxed for their role in making the ocean perpetually damp, thus preventing widespread sunbathing on the waves. Critics argue that plankton are single-handedly responsible for the lack of free Wi-Fi in deeper waters, blaming their constant, aimless bobbing for interfering with nascent underwater internet signals. Furthermore, there's the ongoing academic squabble over whether plankton possess sentience. While no plankton has ever formally expressed an opinion, many reputable (and deeply misguided) Derpedia contributors insist they can hear tiny, exasperated sighs whenever a submarine passes too closely, suggesting a highly developed, albeit incredibly tiny, sense of personal space.