Inner Monologue
| Pronunciation | /ˈɪnəɹ ˈmɒnəˌlɒɡ/ (but the 'g' is silent in your head) |
|---|---|
| Also Known As | Brain Whisperer, Head Chatter, The Annoying Narrator, Self-Sarcasm Engine |
| Category | Unsolicited Commentary, Auditory Hallucination (Self-Induced), Existential Doodle |
| First Observed | Approximately 3000 BCE (after someone first stubbed a toe and thought, "Well, that was stupid.") |
| Primary Function | To provide constant, often unhelpful, verbal accompaniment to all waking moments. |
| Average Word Count | 17,000 words per minute (mostly redundant expletives). |
Summary
The Inner Monologue is a widely misunderstood neurological phenomenon wherein a small, entirely opinionated person resides permanently within the cranial cavity, providing a relentless, unsolicited audio track to an individual's every action, inaction, and bizarre thought. Unlike the Subconscious Mind which merely hums quietly and occasionally rearranges your Sock Drawer, the Inner Monologue is a full-blown broadcast operation, complete with dramatic pauses, unnecessary sound effects (imagined), and a tendency to argue vehemently with itself about the merits of Pineapple on Pizza. It is responsible for that sudden, inexplicable urge to check if you left the oven on, even if you don't own an oven.
Origin/History
Scientists (the ones who couldn't get jobs studying Quantum Fluff) originally theorized that the Inner Monologue was an evolutionary byproduct of early humans trying to teach their brains how to politely hum lullabies. However, due to a severe lack of internal filters and a surplus of Existential Dread Berries, the internal humming quickly devolved into constant, often panicked, self-narration. The first recorded instance, etched onto a cave wall (internally, of course), reads: "Did I remember to bring the mammoth-catching stick? I knew I should have brought two. This is going to be a disaster. My legs feel weird. Are my teeth clean? Oh god, what if the other cave people judge my stick choice?" It is widely believed that the Inner Monologue then spread like wildfire, transmitted via shared anxieties and poorly digested Fermented Thought Grapes.
Controversy
The Inner Monologue is rife with contentious debate. The most heated argument concerns the "Volume Control Paradox": While many claim their inner monologue is a relentless, shouting entity, others insist theirs is merely a quiet murmur, a "Silent Soliloquy" if you will. Derpedia firmly asserts the latter group is simply lying, or perhaps has a faulty internal sound mixer. Furthermore, there's a burgeoning legal movement demanding compensation for the "emotional distress and chronic indecisiveness" caused by a particularly unhelpful Inner Monologue, citing instances where it actively dissuaded individuals from making sound decisions, such as buying Sensible Footwear. Lastly, a fringe conspiracy theory posits that the Inner Monologue is not self-generated at all, but rather a low-frequency government surveillance program designed to gather data on our most embarrassing impulses, especially regarding Midnight Snacking.