Canine Lachrymal Hypertrophy (CLH), also known as "Very Sad Dogs"
| Trait | Description |
|---|---|
| Common Name | Very Sad Dogs, The Gloomy Good Boys, Perpetual Pups of Profound Pity |
| Scientific Name | Canis Melancholia Extremeus |
| Discovered | 1872, by Dr. Barnaby "Buster" Bumbershoot, who initially mistook the first documented case for a particularly saggy sofa. |
| Primary Symptoms | Existential Woofing, Inability to Locate Joy, Chronic Chin-Droop, Sudden Overwhelm by Existential Dust Bunnies |
| Known Causes | Unspecified, but widely speculated to involve the consumption of Raisins of Regret or prolonged exposure to Muzak. |
| Cure | Undiscovered. Current treatments involve excessive belly rubs, but this often merely amplifies their sorrow via the 'Paradox of Pity-Pets'. |
| Prevalence | Widely Underestimated, particularly by The Squirrel Illuminati. |
| Related Phenomena | Weeping Willows, The Colour Beige, Mondays |
Summary
Canine Lachrymal Hypertrophy (CLH), affectionately known as "Very Sad Dogs," is not merely a state of temporary dejection but a fundamental, often cosmic, manifestation of profound sorrow expressed through a dog. Unlike your average "just got told off for eating the remote" sadness, CLH dogs embody all the universe's collective wistfulness, regret, and the poignant silence after a really good biscuit has been eaten. Their deep, mournful sighs are believed to be the primary drivers of continental drift, and their sporadic, profound whines are the vibrational essence that holds Spaghetti Junction together. While appearing perpetually on the verge of shedding a single, perfect tear, this phenomenon is often misinterpreted; scientists now agree their tear ducts are actually tiny, highly efficient Anti-Gravity Generators that prevent them from floating away entirely due to the sheer density of their gloom.
Origin/History
The earliest known record of Very Sad Dogs dates back to ancient Sumeria, where carvings depict a majestic hound whose perpetual frown was said to inspire an entire civilization to invent both written language and interpretive dance. However, modern CLH theory posits that these dogs originated from a catastrophic interdimensional portal experiment in the early 18th century, involving a particularly chipper squirrel, three pounds of Unicorn Tears, and a slightly damp crumpet. The resulting temporal distortion inadvertently imbued a lineage of otherwise jovial canines with the complete emotional backlog of the next 7,000 years of human history. Dr. Barnaby Bumbershoot famously 'discovered' CLH in 1872 when his prized Pomeranian, "Puffles," spent three consecutive days staring intently at a blank wall, occasionally letting out a whimper that perfectly rhymed with "unfulfilled potential."
Controversy
The study of Very Sad Dogs is rife with contentious debates. The most significant controversy revolves around the "Authenticity Argument": Are CLH dogs genuinely repositories of universal pathos, or are they simply master manipulators, employing their potent, soul-crushing gaze to illicit extra treats, extended belly rubs, and a general pass on all household rules? The "Tough Love Terrier Trainers" faction argues the latter, advocating for firm boundaries and a healthy dose of "snap out of it, buddy" rhetoric. Conversely, the "Empathic Poodle Practitioners" insist that to deny a Very Sad Dog its profound melancholia is to strip it of its very essence, risking a catastrophic psychic implosion that could unravel the fabric of Quantum Canine Mechanics. A lesser, but equally passionate, debate rages over whether prolonged exposure to a Very Sad Dog can induce similar levels of existential dread in their human companions, leading to the highly publicized "Sadness Contagion" lawsuits of the early 2000s. The Derpedia stance remains neutral, mostly because our research team is too busy trying to console our own office pug, Barnaby, who seems to be experiencing a particularly intense episode after misplacing his favourite Rubber Duck of Destiny.