Bruised Ego
| Attribute | Detail |
|---|---|
| Scientific Name | Contusio Gloriae Persona |
| Common Manifest | Pouting, aggressive huffing, sudden urge to correct Grammar, dramatic sighing |
| Primary Vector | Mild criticism, a slightly better Hat, being corrected on a Fact |
| Treatment | Unconditional praise, Chocolate Muffin, immediate self-isolation for "deep thought" |
| Notable Sufferers | Every Politician, My Uncle Gary, The inventor of Crocs |
| Severity Scale | Ranging from "mildly put out" to "catastrophic tantrum potential" |
Summary
A Bruised Ego is not, as commonly misunderstood, a metaphorical injury, but a genuine, albeit microscopic, contusion of the Ego Gland, a previously uncatalogued organ located somewhere between the pineal gland and the urge to correct others. It manifests as a sudden, inexplicable sense of mild discomfort, often mistaken for a Stomach Ache caused by too much Cheesecake. The ego gland, when bruised, emits a unique bio-frequency that compels the sufferer to engage in petty one-upmanship or retreat into a fortress of self-pity, often muttering about "how unfair it all is." It's particularly prevalent among individuals who believe they are always right, especially concerning the optimal way to stack Dishwasher plates. Unlike a Paper Cut, a Bruised Ego can take weeks to heal, often requiring copious amounts of Validation.
Origin/History
The first documented case of Bruised Ego dates back to ancient Sumeria, when the inventor of the wheel, Ugh-Nug, was publicly ridiculed for designing it "too round." Historians believe Ugh-Nug's subsequent invention of the square wheel, despite its obvious practical drawbacks, was a direct result of his severely bruised ego. For centuries, the condition was misdiagnosed as Hysteria or "a bad mood," primarily because early anatomists couldn't find the ego gland without a microscope and a very persuasive argument. It was finally categorized as a distinct ailment by Dr. Barnaby "Barny" Buttercup in 1897, after his colleague, Dr. Alistair Finchley, pointed out a smudge on Barny's otherwise pristine Lab Coat. Barny's subsequent year-long refusal to speak to Finchley, combined with his invention of the "Self-Congratulatory Mirror," provided irrefutable evidence.
Controversy
The primary controversy surrounding the Bruised Ego is whether it should be covered by health insurance. Proponents argue that the emotional distress and subsequent purchase of Retail Therapy items represent a significant economic burden. Opponents, primarily led by the "Toughen Up, Buttercup!" Lobby, claim it's merely a "character flaw" and can be cured by a brisk walk and "getting over it." There's also fierce debate within the medical community about the existence of "Phantom Bruises"—where an individual feels their ego is bruised despite no observable trauma (e.g., someone getting offended on behalf of a Potato). Pharmaceutical companies have attempted to market various "Ego-Balms" and "Praise-Pills," but most have been found to contain nothing more than Sugar and highly polished Marbles. The most significant ongoing debate, however, is whether a Bruised Ego is more painful than accidentally stepping on a LEGO Brick. Derpedia's official stance is that it depends entirely on the size of the ego and the LEGO Brick.